svetlana 4

Friends and family thought me insane

for falling under Svetlana’s spell

yet I fell hook, line and sinker

you see she was a loving kind of girl


She first sought me out at the banquet

I hosted for the Queen

played footsie under the table

had the finest cleavage I’d ever seen


Begged me to drive her home that night

in my Bentley where of clothes she shed

my chauffeur discreet in his driver’s seat

Svet unadorned as if a newly wed


And later back at her place

some hovel near Earl’s Court

she forced me to make love to her

she was a dominating sort


It seemed Svet couldn’t get enough of me

we did ‘rude’ things far and wide

at Royal Ascot, Henley, Wimbledon

in public places countywide


The PM took me aside one day

said, ‘You’re punching above your weight

for that gal is a money grabbing nympho

plus, you’re 80 and she’s just 28


And another thing I might add

it’s not you she hankers for

it is your family fortune

she’s little more than a common whore’


‘I say PM that’s out of order

besides I don’t care what you say

I know Svetlana loves me for myself

she even said so the other day’


I still swear I did the right thing

in making an honest woman of my Svet

notwithstanding I am so alone now

she gave me memories I shan’t forget


I know she sequestrated my fortune

my estate, my fleet of cars

had me black-balled from my Lloyds syndicate

had me certified, put behind bars


Yet on the plus side how many old farts

can in all honesty come out and say

a gorgeous young and sexy lady

had shagged them each and every way


However, upon my uttering thus

came a chorus I could not foresee

from other inmates in my cell block

who cried out, ‘And me, and me, and me’



40 thoughts on “SVETLANA’S SPELL

      1. Again Mike…really?? It’s not going to make her anymore sympathetic. As a matter of fact, she is really only after your inheritance. Maybe your better of with your suicidal tree hugger.

      2. Old Jessica Downlow the suicidal tree hugger was based on a woman exactly like here…if I saw her in the street I would hide in a doorway or walk the other way so depressing was she! No give me Svet and a lost fortune any day of the week!

  1. I always find this kind of humour so funny. I came back to read it a second time as I had not read it properly before. You have to hand it to Svet, she really spun this one around

    1. It is a little ribald yet in its own way pokes fun at silly old rich men, Svetlana being the black widow spider on a fortune hunt and as ever with my Svetlana tales she always wins…she has to otherwise it wouldn’t be funny I reckon…enough of my rambling, have a splendid day Geetha B

      1. Thank you Mike. Have a splendid day too. They say in French “Qui sème le vent récolte la tempête” so I guess they have it coming if they choose the wrong one…

  2. I don’t know how she does it, must close her eyes and leave her body for a while, either that or shes dead to herself already. I feel for Svet though

    1. As ever with Svetlana she always wins…this Svetlana is a bit of a black widow spider set to obtain the fortunes of silly old rich men and succeeding. Other times she has been with the French Resistance behind enemy lines making fools of the enemy; even once ended up the lover of an idiot Brit politician’s wife, much to his dismay. Svet tales I have aplenty and the rule is she must win…she is based upon a real person oddly. Yet you are right in marvelling at how anyone could do such things out of choice. Then if they couldn’t poor old Agatha Christie would be a few novels short of a portfolio I guess.

      1. Aren’t all your characters based upon real life people, I think you told me about her and the cafe time once before. I can’t help it, but every time I say her name I think of sweaty armpits! The girl in the image has my hat!

      2. I think when she came to these shores she likely had sweaty armpits but not now though…a social climber with such pits just wouldn’t do in prudish olde England…as for her sisters back in Transylvania I suspect otherwise. Most of my characters are indeed people I have met along the way.

      3. Funny stuff. I always wanted (only heard of the place a few months ago) to go to Transylvania, it sounds creepy. And as to characters, I would’t even know where to begin it I were to make one up!

      4. The only way to make one up is the become that person while you are writing…male, female, young or old, become them and it is easy, even if you don’t the one you’ve become it matters not.

      5. Yes this is true, also for my other tarts. I guess its all encompassing really, but when I was doing some Japanese stuff, my slipper removal ritual before entering the studio, and chopstick use happened naturally.

        Do you fine yourself chopping and changing all the time?

      6. I’m not a chopping and changing person. I am compelled to have ritual and order since small. Then again you are an artist so by definition you look out for inspiration and therefore must adapt, chop and change as the fancy takes…pity the writer and his boring templates I say!

      7. If you lived with me, you’d see I’m quite mundane and ordinary. What I choose to share on the other hand is a minute 1%, how you can judge character from such randomness can’t be the slightest bit possible!

  3. take heart old chap – I’m on my way with a skeleton key and a roomy sack in which to hide you – no Lloyds underwriter shall suffer such indignity so long as I still draw breath

    1. Cheers for that…although I know from back in the day (just the one mind) who I think you may well have buried in that sack alive…no names; no pack drill of course!

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