Beachy Head has been done far too often

A squalid overdose has scant appeal

Jumping under a train is plain selfish

Just think how the driver must feel


A Swiss clinic can prove quite expensive

Although it does have a certain panache

Slashed wrists some think far too messy

And carbon monoxide’s no gas


A shot to the temple is instant

Yet to miss and pull through will not do

An arsenic laced curry stupendous

But there’s always the risk you might spew


A rope about the neck is so awful

Not worth either the pain or the fear

And forget not a note of remembrance

For those left behind you hold dear


So when tribulation consumes you

When you say, “I can’t take any more”

Maybe dream up a new way to end it

For what’s gone before is a bore


One must depart this domain with a swagger

Find an art form of which people will say

“Well he left this mortal coil behind him

In a most sumptuous, extravagant way”


Be sure that your method is painless

Be sure that there’s no letting of blood

Be sure that it’s not from a great height

Or else there will be a loud thud


So if suicides fancy should grab me

Take it for granted my approach it will be

To make love till my body can take it no more

And die in my bed, exhausted, set free


Oh what technique have I thought up

Oh what a farewell oh so grand

To take my leave not with a sadness

But ecstatic to have made my last stand!




53 thoughts on “GENRES OF SUICIDE

  1. Sexual suicide sounds interesting. Gives “Jesus I’m coming” a whole new slant. Also repeated failed attempts would be a tolerable option.
    This is a grand poem by the way.

    1. You see Leslie it’s all down to my current attempt to quit smoking…three days in and suffering more than I can describe…suicide is an option, mind there is a fault in my theory…”Shirl, can you hear me Shirl… I’m thinking of topping meself luv and I’ve just thought out how to do it…problem is I need your help…What on earth do you mean when you say ‘Tough luck sunshine you’re on your own?”

      1. I’m guessing that’s what she thought also…ah well you don’t know if you don’t ask…guess I’ll just have to live celibate henceforth…I want a cigarette so badly by the way!

      2. The most expensive vape thing known to mankind…works to an extent in that I get nicotine…it’s the rituals of smoking; my cafes and my coffee etc. Dare not even pour a glass of red this evening…won’t feel the same…whinge, whinge etc.

      3. I don’t envy you, but I applaud your willingness to give it a real chance. There are meds too–in the states one called Chantix is getting a lot of press. Of course the list of potential side effects us daunting.

      4. Well I have hung in there…just. My team won today yet watching the game on TV without the ability to pop outside for a fag was desperate…day 3 nearly over. Café tomorrow morn in the company of smoking artists and nutters!

      1. Oh my goodness, Mike!! Do you not know the poet Dorothy Parker?? Brilliant stuff, but what’s more, she wrote a poem with almost exactly this sentiment. It’s short so I will post it here:
        Razors pain you,
        Rivers are damp,
        Acids stain you,
        And drugs cause cramp.
        Guns aren’t lawful,
        Nooses give,
        Gas smells awful.
        You might as well live.”

    1. Day 4…no fags. Would I sell my soul to the devil for a fag? Yes! A night of unbridled lust with the young Susanna York or a fag? A fag! ’tis going to be a very long day!

      1. Failed in the walled garden (great place to be in a gale) of the café in the company of the lovely Croatian gal we know! Shirley though is on a roll with the giving up thing…think she was pleased I had my fag as my mood was one of looking for an argument! In short I was going insane…must try harder!

      2. I’ll get there…it was sending me mad…pressure of the water leakage twixt house and meter was the final straw…need a stress free period and a second attempt!

      3. Deep breath…even if it Is a fag filled one. Ok, life is full of these miniscule nerve twitches that nudge you under the wagon’s wheels. So you just take that breath and then you make a circle of your wagons. Simple really xxxx You can do this and so what if you don’t. Nothing is worth losing your sanity over…well..not this anyway x

  2. Wasn’t sure if you were coming or going with this for a minute there. 😉
    You have my complete understanding on the horrors of going fagless. I’ve tried. Then tried again. And. Well, you know how it goes. Thinking Lent this year but going off the notion as the countdown gets near. You’re right, it’s the routines that are the killer – breaking the connections. Don’t….know….if…I…can….

    1. The thing nagging at me is that living so close to France we spend a lot of summer/autumn there. How on earth can I people watch affront a café without my obligatory fag to accompany my coffee…a non starter although thus far this morn I have only ‘vaped’…just like yesterday it won’t last of course!

      1. I’ve a worry bead phobia! A long and essentially boring tale behind yet a true one…could be a skit type post in there somewhere…thanks for reminding me

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