Beachy Head has been done far too often
A squalid overdose has scant appeal
Jumping under a train is plain selfish
Just think how the driver must feel
A Swiss clinic can prove quite expensive
Although it does have a certain panache
Slashed wrists some think far too messy
And carbon monoxide’s no gas
A shot to the temple is instant
Yet to miss and pull through will not do
An arsenic laced curry stupendous
But there’s always the risk you might spew
A rope about the neck is so awful
Not worth either the pain or the fear
And forget not a note of remembrance
For those left behind you hold dear
So when tribulation consumes you
When you say, “I can’t take any more”
Maybe dream up a new way to end it
For what’s gone before is a bore
One must depart this domain with a swagger
Find an art form of which people will say
“Well he left this mortal coil behind him
In a most sumptuous, extravagant way”
Be sure that your method is painless
Be sure that there’s no letting of blood
Be sure that it’s not from a great height
Or else there will be a loud thud
So if suicides fancy should grab me
Take it for granted my approach it will be
To make love till my body can take it no more
And die in my bed, exhausted, set free
Oh what technique have I thought up
Oh what a farewell oh so grand
To take my leave not with a sadness
But ecstatic to have made my last stand!
- MIKE STEEDEN - 
A better plan I’ve not heard of. Excellent poem, my friend.
Sexual suicide sounds interesting. Gives “Jesus I’m coming” a whole new slant. Also repeated failed attempts would be a tolerable option.
This is a grand poem by the way.
Sexual suicide…there, we already have a name for it, now a genre complete! Cheers!
That’s assuming one can make the initial stand. You almost make suicide sound worth contemplating.
You see Leslie it’s all down to my current attempt to quit smoking…three days in and suffering more than I can describe…suicide is an option, mind there is a fault in my theory…”Shirl, can you hear me Shirl… I’m thinking of topping meself luv and I’ve just thought out how to do it…problem is I need your help…What on earth do you mean when you say ‘Tough luck sunshine you’re on your own?”
Oh that conjures way too many images for this old mind to bear.
I’m guessing that’s what she thought also…ah well you don’t know if you don’t ask…guess I’ll just have to live celibate henceforth…I want a cigarette so badly by the way!
Are you trying the vape pen?
The most expensive vape thing known to mankind…works to an extent in that I get nicotine…it’s the rituals of smoking; my cafes and my coffee etc. Dare not even pour a glass of red this evening…won’t feel the same…whinge, whinge etc.
I don’t envy you, but I applaud your willingness to give it a real chance. There are meds too–in the states one called Chantix is getting a lot of press. Of course the list of potential side effects us daunting.
Well I have hung in there…just. My team won today yet watching the game on TV without the ability to pop outside for a fag was desperate…day 3 nearly over. Café tomorrow morn in the company of smoking artists and nutters!
That’ll be tough.
Oh yes!
Go in wearing a hockey mask.
I always get arrested when I do that!
Oh. Well. Maybe a surgical mask?
Might get arrested if I did that
Just a downer all around.
all the better to find a partner with the same plan
All my plans have a fatal flaw sadly
We’re all cheering for you.
Story of my life…if I change my mind and decide to live they will all boo!
Brilliant. A new approach to an age old problem. Great writing.
Cheers
As Dorothy Parker says ‘might as well live’.
I had an Auntie Dot but do not recall her surname was ‘Parker’…mind my mum used to call the old spinster next door Nosey Parker…I’m confused young Marissa!
Oh my goodness, Mike!! Do you not know the poet Dorothy Parker?? Brilliant stuff, but what’s more, she wrote a poem with almost exactly this sentiment. It’s short so I will post it here:
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.”
Brilliant stuff and well connected I see – a Rothschild by birth…must read more. Cheers for that
She actually has a FB page which is not moderated by her by the way as she’s long since past. If you like her page, you’ll get snippets of her poetry.
https://www.facebook.com/DorothyParkerQuotes/?fref=ts
My thanks
Now Mike, no matter how tempting and how innovative, just HANG in there. xxx Sorry, being flippant about your wonderful work and what inspired it x
Day 4…no fags. Would I sell my soul to the devil for a fag? Yes! A night of unbridled lust with the young Susanna York or a fag? A fag! ’tis going to be a very long day!
A fag, a fag, your kingdom for a fag….
Failed in the walled garden (great place to be in a gale) of the café in the company of the lovely Croatian gal we know! Shirley though is on a roll with the giving up thing…think she was pleased I had my fag as my mood was one of looking for an argument! In short I was going insane…must try harder!
Difficult to give up anything like that Mike. Easier said that done. I admire your perseverance and don’t be beating yourself up!
I’ll get there…it was sending me mad…pressure of the water leakage twixt house and meter was the final straw…need a stress free period and a second attempt!
Deep breath…even if it Is a fag filled one. Ok, life is full of these miniscule nerve twitches that nudge you under the wagon’s wheels. So you just take that breath and then you make a circle of your wagons. Simple really xxxx You can do this and so what if you don’t. Nothing is worth losing your sanity over…well..not this anyway x
I’m going to live next to a water treatment plant and commit sewer side.
I’m hoping the gal who will assist me in my valiant attempt will be the lovely young Sue E Side.
Die over and over, if you may 😉
Wasn’t sure if you were coming or going with this for a minute there. 😉
You have my complete understanding on the horrors of going fagless. I’ve tried. Then tried again. And. Well, you know how it goes. Thinking Lent this year but going off the notion as the countdown gets near. You’re right, it’s the routines that are the killer – breaking the connections. Don’t….know….if…I…can….
The thing nagging at me is that living so close to France we spend a lot of summer/autumn there. How on earth can I people watch affront a café without my obligatory fag to accompany my coffee…a non starter although thus far this morn I have only ‘vaped’…just like yesterday it won’t last of course!
Worry beads? I’ve thought about those to keep my hands busy but would probably need a baby’s dummy for the mouth.
I’ve a worry bead phobia! A long and essentially boring tale behind yet a true one…could be a skit type post in there somewhere…thanks for reminding me
You’re welcome, sounds intriguing. 🙂
A great read. ‘Sumptuous and extravagant’, good idea, I’ll bear it in mind.
Cheers…I admit this was a silly one born of my wretched attempt to stop smoking no less!
Hi Mike These thought have passed my mind. But I found living the bigger more challenging option! Thank you for liking my poem Tremor! Best Wishes. The Foureyed Poet.
I predict you’ll die of sheer wit . . .
…lessness
I think contemplating suicide has its own catharsis. We always have an option to quite everything. I really enjoyed reading this.
Cheers Sir
🙂