The year is 1551. Perched upon a stool at Le Pen & Ink Bar in the small village of Salon-de-Provence in Southern France is Nostradamus.  He is in his ‘cups’ as some might say. Others, less kind folk say the old boy is as pissed as rat.  Out of preference he has been knocking back copious glasses of lager with cognac chasers all afternoon for it is only when ‘in drink’ that he can get in the zone and knock out a few predictions.  His presence in the bar irks both the landlord and those few mates he has left.  Tempers often fray when Nostradamus is spouting off!

Pierre: “Oh for Christ’s sake he’s going to kick off again, you can always tell. He’s such a pleasant bloke until he’s had a few then its predictions, predictions bloody predictions”

Jean-Paul: “Wouldn’t be so bad if he gave us useful predictions like who’s going to win the 2.30 at Deauville or maybe when the black plague is coming our way.  But oh no, it’s all stuff I personally couldn’t give a toss about. What was that he was on about yesterday Frank?”

Frank: “What that load of old bollocks.  It was all about some geezer called Napoleon who’s going to rule all of France someday long after everyone here’s snuffed it.  Who gives a toss?”

Landlord: “It’s the graffiti in the bogs I could do without.  My carbolic bill is going through the roof.  Every time the tosser posts another prediction above the urinal he doesn’t give a thought for us poor sods who have to clean up.  He says this prediction malarkey only works for him in the lavvy! If he wasn’t such a good spender I’d bar him. Here look I took a pic of what the twat wrote on me IPhone 6”

Jean-Paul: “Stuff me, ‘PAU, NAY, LORON will be more of fire than of the blood, To swim in praise, the great one to flee to the confluence. He will refuse entry to the Piuses, The depraved ones and the Durance will keep them imprisoned.’ How do you get Napoleon out of that?” 

Landlord: “Fuck knows. All I know is it took me two hours to wash it off”

Pierre: “Hang on boys, he’s stirred. I get the feeling he’s going in to one…the zone is about his very person”

Jean-Paul: “Oy, Nostro can’t tell me if I’m going to get me leg across with little Fifi the milkmaid on Friday night can you?”

Nostro: “I neither know nor care what you and that little tart are getting up to. Anyway I’m going for a piss”

Landlord: “Bollocks that’s my evening ruined. Reckon I’ll be cleaning up again” (Gaelic shrug)


Frank: “Here chaps I need a pee meself. I’ll take a look in the ‘gents’ and check out his latest post – there’s bound to be one. Lend us your IPhone landlord – we should get another quick quatrain out of this little visitation I’d say!”


Frank: “Cop a look at this boys!  He’s only gone and posted another swift double-bubble on the quatrain front on the bog wall this one reads; 

‘Trompeor by name will come forth and stir new lands masses

Solicit hatred of denominations perceived false, vilify the gentle

His castle walls will be seen from kingdom come as barbarous blockade

Mercilessness and warmongering will prevail; a new inquisition in the wake


The great Senate will ordain the triumph

For one who afterwards will be vanquished, driven out:

At the sound of the trumpet of his adherents there will be

Put up for sale their possessions, enemies expelled


What do you make of that then?”


Pierre: “Fucked if I know…Nostro, just what the bloody hell does this old tosh mean?”

Nostro: “Even the bloody village idiot could work that one out matey boy.  Obvious isn’t it.  Don’t look so quizzical fool. Quite simply it means that a right obnoxious, evil twat called Trump will gain power and seek to destroy a great nation in a faraway land not discovered yet until one day he gets his comeuppance…touch of ‘Beware the Ides of March’ as history repeats itself”

Jean-Paul: “And?”

Frank: “So what, when’s all this going to happen then?”

Nostro: “Late 2020 or thereabouts I reckon”

Landlord: “What’s the point of telling us that then? That’s nigh on 500 years in the future”

Nostro: “Fuck me – can’t you see, our children, our children’s children, onwards and upwards need to know these things”

Landlord: “What crap. Anyway, what substance do you use when you’re penning your bloody quatrains on the bog wall?  It’s a bastard to get off?”

Nostro: “Don’t know; don’t care – the missus gets it for me down Poundland.  I’m pissing off home now – but don’t any of you ever, ever tell me I didn’t tell you so. Right!” 

Pierre: “Don’t know why he didn’t just stay doing that apothecary stuff – his St John’s Wort helped get me out of a bad place after the suckling pig got taken by wolves. Now we’re stuck with these piss poor predictions.  If I hear another sodding quatrain, I’ll open a vein…still he’s gone now – my round; what we all drinking?”





  1. Haha very interesting! Oh so well written as it was equally entertaining , love it!

      1. I have been reading about this on a couple other blogs too i wasnt sure if it were true, i freaking love notradamus am currently writing a bio on him

      2. I’m guessing you have all the books yet try this song link…written some years back and using modern English translation of some of quatrains. The singer Al Stewart, long since living in the States

      3. No i dont have any books except one ebook i read last week been mostly doing internet research

    1. Did you know young Marissa a little UK straw poll I got involved in the other day posed the question, ‘If the UK had to have a new Prime Minister right now, who would you vote for Putin or Trump…and 100% said Putin! What a sorry state of affairs…indeed a ‘has it come to this moment!

    1. I try so hard to avoid politics Leslie yet this fool and his ‘Don’t know their arse from a hole in the ground’ (forgive me please the great Randy Newman) supporters are sending me both concerned for humanity and frankly insane!

      1. I’ve come to love a certain phrase when dealing with Trump supporters–“Oh, bless your heart” which is southern for Fuck you! 😊

      2. Inciting violence/riot would be enough in these parts to have him removed from the electoral process so hopefully his party (who I understand hate him) have the twat disqualified.

      3. Which will lead to a whole other wormy situation. He has exposed great truths about the American electorate: we are stupid, bigoted, infantile, asshats. Yay us!

      4. Rest assured Leslie we have our own thick idiots here in the UK and in vast numbers. Even now the right wing seducers are seducing the idiots we should leave the EU when the June Referendum comes…hopefully Obama when he arrives soon to tell us silly Brits how stupid it would be to leave the EU people will listen. Obama is still popular this side of the pond so that is a bit of a plus!

      5. A proper bloke…that some would thwart his every good move is a sad thing. Still, as I said in these parts he remains well liked and respected for the majority.

      6. Thank you Leslie…we are getting slowly but surely over this wretched thing. Shirl has had it for a month, me three weeks. It is still a bit ‘consumption central’ here yet an old burdock recipe from a chemist seems to have worked better than any pills!

  2. I couldn’t help but copy paste my comment from another blog here in regard to Tromperor

    Jessie Martinovic says:
    March 15, 2016 at 5:51 pm

    I’m not political in the slightest, or do I follow anything of the sort. Yet my eyes glimesed on someones else’s telly this man, preaching something. I made a noise that I’ve never heard before, somewhere between laugh, scream, cry. I hope to never hear this noise, or his voice again.

    Hope you are well Mike and Shirley and George

    1. Ah Just Jessie, so very good to hear from you. I thought my enthusiasm for your multi-platform (how very American my phraseology here) art may have been too much and pissed you off eternally…whatever, my apologies in that regard. Regardless, save for all having long term English winter ‘snot’ we are very well indeed…’If It’ still lurks in both hidden and other times wide open spaces and seems content, moreover a small child took a liking to ‘If It’ not long previous so arguably a friendship is blossoming.
      Trump is the consummate dangerous twat and my thoughts toward him are never less than evil ones.
      I was rather desperate to comment upon your writing just yesterday as it happens…a compliment naturally yet wasn’t sure if I should so I didn’t!
      Are you still well and insane (good insane that is)?
      Our best regards young lady,
      Mike, Shirley and not that he knows as he is I think on Mars today (or is it Pluto? Matters not) George

      1. Your hilarity will never deaden, even in the face of eternity Mike Steedenous. Your apology is not necessary, I myself, a bit hit and miss in the communications department which I think goes hand in hand with my -well and insanity.

        Thank you for your would be comment. Are you a garlic fan?

        I cant believe a person like trump exists, it hurts my day

      2. Garlic? Yes save for garlic powder in processed food…gives one’s breath the strangest pong. Shirley checks ingredients the odd time I buy vegi burger type things…she won’t kiss me otherwise!

  3. Dear most loyal and noble friend…. as ever, you have not failed to deliver on the wisdom and three-parts heaping of mirthfulness… Cheers to you on this the eve of the day in which we are all united by our Irishness…

    1. Mt thanks for your comment…appreciated. In answer to the question you pose, possibly because he is an evil lunatic? The thought of the finger of a sexist, homophobic, protectionist, anti-refugee, far right devil on the nuclear button fills me with dread. I am a European yet the great nation that is the US deserves so much better than this twat.

      1. To be honest I have been toying with that idea in my mind, but I’m not sure I can get a feel for Trump as I have for Kim…it would be a fun exercise, though;)

      2. Also, it will be interesting to see how you get into Trump’s head. With Kimmy you turned him into a chap who was innocent and likeable in many ways…his evil flew by with him pretty much unware that that was so. With Trump…I wouldn’t have a clue what to do by the way…observing the persona you give him will be fascinating.

      3. Not really sure where Donald’s diary is going to be honest. The thing with writing someone’s diary is that you kind of have to see the good in people, because people usually don’t write about themselves as the bad guy…still, it’s fun and relatively easy to have a go at Trump’s narcissism. thanks for mentioning it on Twitter!

      4. Just an idea, yet with your educational background the joy (to him at least) of his ‘phobia’s and his public expression of them might be a good hook…if you analized Trump though you might be writing till eternity!

      5. Haha…good idea! I hear he doesn’t like shaking people’s hands for fear of bacteria…that’s probably just the tip of the iceberg;)

      6. How did he come sexist thinking I recall that the best place for women was either on their backs or in the kitchen; the source of his views re abortion; the source of his homophobia; Islamophobia; racism; hating Mexicans (I recall he said they were all drug dealers and rapist) the list is endless! The other day one of his opponents suggested that his small hands may well mean he has a small dick!

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