I went into the shop that sells kisses

Asked the girl behind the counter if she

Could recommend from her vast range of stocked caresses

A kiss that was suited to me


“Well I’ve got the Kiss of Death here on Special Offer

Yet I don’t think you want that do you?

And it’s ‘Buy One, Get One Free’ on the Judas Kiss

Yet they do not befit a ‘hello’ more so an ‘adieu’


Goodbye kisses come in all shapes and sizes

And are appropriate when heading for pastures new

Or perhaps when a true love is over

Or maybe dropping a child off at a new school


Now the hand kiss is so very versatile

You can use them almost each and every way

They indicate politeness, courtesy and respect

When a gentleman greets a lady who just may


Favour him with more than just blushes

Chancing his luck, although there’s no guarantee

Yet I suggest you’ll not be kissing the Pope’s ring

When bowed down before him on just one knee


Kisses on the lips are our best-sellers

They’re not cheap mind, they come at some cost

The range starts with merely a Swift Peck

Up to The Interlaced Tongue New Lover ‘Defrost’


Having taken some time out for a good think

I went on quite the wildest spending spree

So much did I pay out that upon leaving

The girl blew me an air kiss, said, “That’s free”



  1. This is bloody fantastic. I absolutely love this. I had to laugh when you mentioned the Pope’s ring…I am sorry, or not.

      1. Not really…once I wanted to be perfect yet then I severed a leg…well ‘quads’ if the truth be told (that bit is true by the way). My limp cost me the new 007 gig sadly.

      2. Well once I was very, very fat…only for a short time I stress (gave up cigs for a year via the eating anything route…since…12 years ago lost 8 stone in 5 months and kept it off). Then one day in the grounds of a mansion I was trying to serve legal papers upon a miscreant (who as it happens was singing opera on a balcony above). A mere slip on a step and my then fatness as I tumbled ripped my quads beyond medical repair (all true)…’twas the end of my potential 007 gig…died at birth. Still you can’t have it all…my teeth are intact.

      3. Bloody nora. I applaud you for telling this story and for your journey. It takes courage to discuss such things and I apologise if I was rude for asking. I’m so glad to hear about the teeth. Keep up the excellent work and attitude. Inspirational.

      4. Not rude at all. It was one of my successes in life and one I am proud of…to this day (still back smoking mind) I still do 12k (7.5 miles) on my cross-trainer each and every day, Xmas day included. Mind, please don’t think me inspirational…truly I am not.

    1. I was vaccinated in October last…not the Eastern European gypsy goddess I’d hoped for but a rather…how shall I put it?…matronly lass of significant proportion chewing tobacco talking Cockney. I am cursed.

    1. Well subject to a few changes in the storyline I have the tale penned out in ‘thrown at the page’ English (50 odd thousand crap words). Have been writing from the beginning in proper English. Only prob I’ve hit is that the 3rd chapter is likely the best written thing I’ve ever penned…to the extent the first two chapters look shite by comparison…so back to the start! Getting there…just need a bit of peace and quiet basically.

      1. Yeah. Quiet is very important. But you have it down on the page, it don’t matter the state of it right now, whether it was thrown or heaved, so long as it is there. Now you can shape the clay.

      2. Hell. when it comes to tomorrow I still reckon Scarlett O’H had it right re it being another day, she just might not have used certain expletives to go wi that fact…

  2. Completely charming. Brought the kiss of life and a smile to a dismally dreich day here.
    So with you on the book angst. I’ve gone from thinking, ‘What a great idea! Some of this is not half bad’ to ‘This is pish….burn it ….give the idea to someone who can put it together coherently.’ Any shops in that vicinity that sell extra supplies of dogged determination and a touch of masochism? :/

    1. Yes, the sweet torture of writing. Back in 2008 after selling the business and quitting work almost young (youngish anyway) I spent 4 years penning a massive thing. Even had it proofread etc. then one day in a fit of childish temper I deleted it as I suddenly deemed it crap. I think an A4 hardcopy stills exists somewhere in the attic…too many writing styles was the issue. Still I’ve given myself a year for this one and hopefully am older and wiser these days…rigid digit hoovers over the ‘delete’ button as heart cries out, ‘Don’t do it’!

  3. Yep, I’d max out my card if I went there – what chirp and joy in this one, Mike and would an air kiss be equal to a butterfly one or you reckon new stock on the way 😀

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