“How you doing Vinnie dude? Got your message via little Rachel from the Maison de Tolerance up the road. She says you’ve only gone and flushed your right ear down the bog. How on earth did you manage that?”

“Pardon…oh, I got a bit down in the dumps so I popped down the pub and got lashed up on absinthe, came home and thought to myself ‘fuck it’ I’ll hack my ear off and chucked it in the lavvy pan; one tug of the chain and bingo, gone!  It felt like a plan at the time but I want it back now.”

“Easier said than done mate. Still what with this old dump you live in not being connected to the main sewers there is some hope that said lug will be somewhere in the cesspit by now.”

“Pardon…what you mean it’ll be covered in shit?”

“That’s about the strength of it Vinnie.”

“Pardon…crikey, will it clean up all right only I can’t see Rachel sewing it on if it’s covered in poo.”

“Can’t really say mate but I’ll have a look and then we can take a view as to what’s best. By the way who’s that bird in the pic what you have painted there. Fuck me she’s hardly what you’d call a stunner is she?”

“Pardon…oh, her. Met her down the pub the other week – think her name maybe Violet. Christ she was all over me like a rash. Then she goes on and on and on about how she’d like me to paint her in the raw. She even said she’d give me freebies for life if I’d paint her thus. What with me not having two Francs to rub together I thought that was a fair exchange.”

“Bloody hell Vinnie I think I’d prefer me right hand to that.”

“Pardon…well you have to consider the fact that I was getting close to topping meself having to paint free stuff like boring bloody starry nights and poxy sunflowers plus the odd chair. Bit of nude work had a certain appeal especially so as it wasn’t costing me. I agree though she’s not what you call a beauty. At least she kept her surgical socks on for she has varicose veins like a map of the Ganges Delta.”

“What about the face Vinnie?”

“Pardon…oh, I’m not all that when it comes to painting faces. Let’s just say what I’ve done flatters her somewhat. Man she chews tobacco like I don’t know what – teeth as black as taffy’s arse.”

“Right here’s your ear. Look I’ve done me best cleaning off the excrement yet sadly it looks like the rats have had a bit of a chew. Let’s just say if it was my ear I wouldn’t want it reattached to the side of me head. Looks crap in my opinion – people will laugh at you. If you want I’ll let you have one of my sink plunger heads – they do look a bit like an earhole and all you’d have to do is paint it skin colour. Anyway it’s up to you as I’m off to sort out Paul Gauguin’s old boiler next.”

“Pardon…oh, thanks for all your help Jonny you’re a living legend.”




  1. After a particularly depressing week post the UK Referendum on the EU and the mess that sometimes is social media I thought a little light relief in order. Hence I post herewith an old ‘Jonny Catapault’ piece that hasn’t appeared on my WP blog previously.

    1. Oh Leslie…the voice of insanity amid a host of bewildering sane people…Jonny Catapault the Plumber the Artist’s All Trust is back! Always had a soft spot for him yet by the time I’ve re-run all episode’s you might be begging me to show him the door.

    1. Butter Face? Never heard that one. By the way you seem to have hit stardom with your band…well done young Marissa and family. My regards to you all. (And before you say I don’t really mean it…rest assured I do)

      1. Hit stardom indeed…if only the people of L.A. knew it as I can’t seem to get more than 5 at a time out to see my band.
        Butter Face…like everything was great about her…but her (butter) face.

    1. Well Ms S it was that or spontaneously combust…still might spontaneously combust though. Shirl is keeping a camera with her at all times in the knowledge that there is money to be made come the event. In truth this is a very early Jonny skit…one I did for LOMM…down the line he got more compassionate and far, far less sexist. Just that the proper stuff I wrote over the weekend would only give rise to more nasty business…already I have been named ‘an enemy of democracy’ and had some of my Twitter posts deleted without my consent by someone. I shall spontaneously combust though, rather looking forward to it truth be told.

      1. True Ms S, the posts re the petition (which I accept is likely pointless, yet until Article 50 has been invoked it is my democratic right to sign said petition contrary to the ‘name calling’ on and off line, that afflicts me presently)…all of them, save for those of others I shared. Think I know who it is though. Don’t really mind that much. Funny old world, still as I fully intend to spontaneously combust I care not. A Scots chap I know told me this AM how sick he is of the English nastiness toward foreigners and that he plans to go back home the second his contract is up…I could but heartily agree with him and wished him well. Have a splendid day.

  2. Mike, it is a totally diff country up here re what you are putting up with. I don’t say there’s not racism, there’s racism in any country but the things you describe are just beyond me. It is like a diff planet . You take care x

    1. Maybe it’s just this town. Don’t get me wrong we love the place but the migrant population here is large (that’s what I like about it) and some are intolerant toward the poor sods.

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