Garden of Eden; Quite a lot of years BC: God, “Don’t say I never warned you” has felt compelled to serve an eviction notice on Adam & Eve subsequent to Eve scoffing on a bit of fruit her pet serpent, Bob nicked off the forbidden ‘Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil’ that she later let Adam have a little nibble from. In doing so, and as if by magic, both Adam & Eve suddenly quit swooning about the place humming never to be hummed the same way twice Ravi Shankar melodies and hugging saplings and become aware they are both stark bollock naked. Additionally, said eviction notice states they vacate the premises forthwith. Also, codicil to the notice demands that the pair ‘go forth and multiply’ someplace else.
Someplace Else; Still a lot of years BC: Devoid of any possessions, save for Eve’s treasured IPad, the couple now find themselves locked outside the gates of the Garden of Eden and not entirely sure what they should do next.
“Well knock me down with a feather, I never realized before you were a ginger wrong’un luv! Just my bloody luck”
“Hold your horses fat boy, you’re nothing to shout home about…anyway we better find a branch of Primark sharpish what with the both of us having no togs to wear. I’ll check it out online”
“Good plan luv”
“Damn it, their homepage says they aren’t opening their first branch for another 6011 years, same goes for M&S and, I really can’t believe this, even Debenhams…best I check with my Facebook friends, one of them must know where we can get kitted out”
“For crying out loud Eve when will you get it through that thick skull of yours that you haven’t got any bloody Facebook friends…we are the only humans knocking about the place right now, besides you look top dollar in the naughty naked nude to me, dearest”
“Don’t you start getting any notions…I’ll not be putting up with any funny business from you, matey boy! Comprehend?”
“What’s ‘funny business’ Eve?”
“God give me strength”
Four years later: With the penny having dropped as to the fun part of ‘go forth and multiply’ Adam has a spring in his step and a permanent grin on his face as did Eve, until recently but less so now her belly is inexplicably expanding at a rate of knots. Whatever, this day an exuberant Adam has just returned home (a serviceable hole in the ground, next to what one day will be the A13 trunk road into London). Sadly, they still have not located a retail clothing outlet yet are grateful for the modesty the odd fig leaf affords, and even more pleased that they weren’t living amid conifers.
“Eve luv, you’ll never guess”
“Today, my dearest I have become none other than the ‘Heavyweight Champion of the World’”
“But you only shadow box. How can that make you The Champ?”
“I can only fight what its front of me, and you should see the state of that shadow when I’d finished with it…first round knockout as it happens. Add that to my Olympic gold medal tally for the standing triple jump, synchronized solo swimming and ‘tug of war’ and you’ll note I am fast becoming the most successful sportsman the world has ever seen…by the way luv, my Christ you’re as fat as I don’t know what”
“I know…just don’t know what’s happening to me, I seem to be getting fatter by the day!”
“It’ll be all that bloody foraging for periwinkles you do, and as for all the oat flat bread you stuff yourself with, we’re talking calorie central, luv”
“Might be, but back in Eden I scoffed even more and never put any weight on, something is amiss…I don’t feel right. I’ve checked Wikipedia online but it just says ‘Nothing has happened yet; please refresh screen in several millennia’ Fat lot of use that is!”
3AM the next day: Not that he has any idea of what he’s doing, yet a frantic Adam assists Eve in giving birth to baby Cain. As dawn breaks natural instinct ensures the child feeds at weary Eve’s breast.
“What was all that about luv? How come a small person popped out of you? Wonder what caused that?”
“Haven’t a clue, Adam”
“Stuff me girl, funny old world this is. Having said that, boy do I have a twinge in my back what with me doing all that bending helping that small human make its entrance, or should I say, ‘exit’. God only knows why you were screaming so much, you gals don’t know the meaning of pain”
Two Months Later: Eve has got her figure and mojo back
“Adam, I do hope you have a certain firming in your loins for I have the urge about me again”
“Not again luv, I can’t cope…besides since fermenting that barley and inventing beer I’ve got to be at work as landlord running me own pub of an evening now”
“But there aren’t any customers”
“No odds luv, I double up…I wouldn’t mind a ‘like’ on me Facebook page when you get a moment…good marketing that is…catch you later”