ADAM, THE WORLDS FIRST MIDWIFE

adam and eve

Garden of Eden; Quite a lot of years BC: God, “Don’t say I never warned you” has felt compelled to serve an eviction notice on Adam & Eve subsequent to Eve scoffing on a bit of fruit her pet serpent, Bob nicked off the forbidden ‘Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil’ that she later let Adam have a little nibble from. In doing so, and as if by magic, both Adam & Eve suddenly quit swooning about the place humming never to be hummed the same way twice Ravi Shankar melodies and hugging saplings and become aware they are both stark bollock naked. Additionally, said eviction notice states they vacate the premises forthwith. Also, codicil to the notice demands that the pair ‘go forth and multiply’ someplace else.

Someplace Else; Still a lot of years BC: Devoid of any possessions, save for Eve’s treasured IPad, the couple now find themselves locked outside the gates of the Garden of Eden and not entirely sure what they should do next.

“Well knock me down with a feather, I never realized before you were a ginger wrong’un luv! Just my bloody luck”

“Hold your horses fat boy, you’re nothing to shout home about…anyway we better find a branch of Primark sharpish what with the both of us having no togs to wear. I’ll check it out online”

“Good plan luv”

“Damn it, their homepage says they aren’t opening their first branch for another 6011 years, same goes for M&S and, I really can’t believe this, even Debenhams…best I check with my Facebook friends, one of them must know where we can get kitted out”

“For crying out loud Eve when will you get it through that thick skull of yours that you haven’t got any bloody Facebook friends…we are the only humans knocking about the place right now, besides you look top dollar in the naughty naked nude to me, dearest”

“Don’t you start getting any notions…I’ll not be putting up with any funny business from you, matey boy! Comprehend?”

“What’s ‘funny business’ Eve?”

“God give me strength”

Four years later: With the penny having dropped as to the fun part of ‘go forth and multiply’ Adam has a spring in his step and a permanent grin on his face as did Eve, until recently but less so now her belly is inexplicably expanding at a rate of knots. Whatever, this day an exuberant Adam has just returned home (a serviceable hole in the ground, next to what one day will be the A13 trunk road into London). Sadly, they still have not located a retail clothing outlet yet are grateful for the modesty the odd fig leaf affords, and even more pleased that they weren’t living amid conifers.

“Eve luv, you’ll never guess”

“Guess what?”

“Today, my dearest I have become none other than the ‘Heavyweight Champion of the World’”

“But you only shadow box. How can that make you The Champ?”

“I can only fight what its front of me, and you should see the state of that shadow when I’d finished with it…first round knockout as it happens.  Add that to my Olympic gold medal tally for the standing triple jump, synchronized solo swimming and ‘tug of war’ and you’ll note I am fast becoming the most successful sportsman the world has ever seen…by the way luv, my Christ you’re as fat as I don’t know what”

“I know…just don’t know what’s happening to me, I seem to be getting fatter by the day!”

“It’ll be all that bloody foraging for periwinkles you do, and as for all the oat flat bread you stuff yourself with, we’re talking calorie central, luv”

“Might be, but back in Eden I scoffed even more and never put any weight on, something is amiss…I don’t feel right. I’ve checked Wikipedia online but it just says ‘Nothing has happened yet; please refresh screen in several millennia’ Fat lot of use that is!”

 3AM the next day: Not that he has any idea of what he’s doing, yet a frantic Adam assists Eve in giving birth to baby Cain. As dawn breaks natural instinct ensures the child feeds at weary Eve’s breast.

“What was all that about luv? How come a small person popped out of you? Wonder what caused that?”

“Haven’t a clue, Adam”

“Stuff me girl, funny old world this is. Having said that, boy do I have a twinge in my back what with me doing all that bending helping that small human make its entrance, or should I say, ‘exit’. God only knows why you were screaming so much, you gals don’t know the meaning of pain”

“Fuck off”

Two Months Later:  Eve has got her figure and mojo back

“Adam, I do hope you have a certain firming in your loins for I have the urge about me again”

“Not again luv, I can’t cope…besides since fermenting that barley and inventing beer I’ve got to be at work as landlord running me own pub of an evening now”

“But there aren’t any customers”

“No odds luv, I double up…I wouldn’t mind a ‘like’ on me Facebook page when you get a moment…good marketing that is…catch you later”

 

 

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57 thoughts on “ADAM, THE WORLDS FIRST MIDWIFE

    1. I suppose in this instance…what with him being the only bloke on the planet he could lay claim to being the best lover in the universe…or not, as the case may be.

      1. Oh, I understand now. I’d like an ‘orbit’ though…think I could do something…yes, ‘orbit’…I’ll work on this when I get back purchasing a long curtain pole from a shop far away. Cheers Ms S…brain is on overtime now!

      2. My thanks for ‘orbit’ by the way…once I purchased the proper curtain rail (she should never have trusted me with the measurements in the first place!) all was well. I didn’t use ‘orbit’ yet it prompted the conclusion of a poem that had irked me for days. Three cheers for ‘orbit’!

    1. Remarkably, I discovered this tale etched on the cave wall where Stone Age man once lived. It needed a bit of translation and what with me being dyslexic it was a hell of a job.

    1. Cheers Paul…a point of interest born of my ‘extensive’ research for this piece is that a now redundant Olympic event from years back was indeed synchronized solo swimming!

  1. Very good, but in the original version the snake gets a speaking role. Say, I just read an online review of a book by Steeden. Wow, what a review!

    1. Cheers…’Bob’ the snake must have done a bit of verbal work as my ‘extensive’ research implies that Eve was a meat and two veg gal, apples not to her particular liking. And yes, the review was something else…indeed a thing that pleased this old fool.

  2. Bwaaahaaahaaaaa!!! That one was hilarious, Sir. It could have precluded Jack Black’s “Year One” (if you’ve ever seen that — if not, do yourself a favor and watch it, and be prepared to LAUGH!).

    1. Wrote it with you in mind Rachael…the idea of Adam being the first bloke to do things first (like being the first midwife, hit me in the face and I thought there might be a series in it) then it hit me again that you like Facebook links and IPad and stuff in days of yore things so I had a stab at it…basically I dedicate this one to you young Rachel!

  3. Oh, this was fun. I never really thought much about that whole birthing thing (insert wild gesture round the loins area) back then…I always thought God might have come down with a catcher’s mitt and a checkboard. I mean, they should have at least ONE walk-through before left to it for future multiplications, right? And of course the catcher’s mitt. Need that mitt. 🙂

    1. I shall always recall my sons little friend Mike who holidayed with us in France many years back. It was a long drive into deepest Loire Valley when Mike announced, ‘Surely if we all come from Adam & Eve then that means we are all interbred…that is so wrong’…as an old, confirmed atheist I could not but agree. Still I rather like the thought that Adam could be champion of anything and everything in his day…as templates go, this Adam & Eve skit might (although I have some doubt in that regard) be a runner; might have legs.

      1. It does have that feel of “the sketch” about it…as a scene, cue the laughter track here and here, turn up the incident music and applause. Yes, I think you’re right–the timing fits and all. Not bad, for an atheist. 😛

      2. Needs a catch phrase like my old ‘Jonny Catapault the Plumber the artist’s all trust’ had to be a proper template methinks…just wrote the same story over and over with just a different famous artist!

  4. I must agree, this ingenious work is delicious and not a little humorous as well…was that a dig at gingers? I shall “like” you anyway. Oh, and do keep up the good work, eve makes a fabulous barkeeperess.

    1. Satire, nothing else I promise. Adam I see as the stereotypical self interested male, blindly unware of the feelings of the gals. I myself, on the odd occasion I have grown a beard have a red one, as does my youngest son and as did my old dad…if beards didn’t itch so much I’d grow it again although likely it would be grey now! Eve needs a FB friend I reckon. Have a splendid day, I’m of to a café to watch my dear wife drink caffeine while sip de-caff…wipes tear away!

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