JONNY CATAPAULT – THE PLUMBER THE ARTISTS ALL TRUST

columbine-leonardo-da-vinci

LEONARDO DA VINCI’S BANGING WATER PIPES 

“Well you know what they say Lenny boy, ‘There’s no such thing as a silent plumbing system,’ yet yours was banging away like a Parisian brothel on a Saturday night if I may say so. I’m surprised you could get any kip. Still all sorted now, I installed a handy anti-siphon trap.”

“Yeah I invented that!” 

“What an anti-siphon trap? Well, bugger me I never knew that was one of yours. You certainly are a clever bastard on the old invention front Lenny. By the way did you spot me new van outside? Lovely job – it’s even got a built in Satnav system. I’m as pleased as punch with it.”

“Yeah I invented that as well.” 

“Christ is there nothing you haven’t invented Len?” 

“Not a lot, although sadly I cannot take credit for the original wheel – although I did invent wheel nuts thus allowing said wheels to be firmly affixed to various modes of transport, after all what is a wheel without a wheel nut?  Anyhow how’s life with you Jonny?” 

“Business is running smoothly what with all you artists having a deluge of plumbing problems and I seem to have cornered this niche market thanks to you. I mean if you hadn’t invented plumbing and put me up for the gig I’d probably still be sweeping the bloody roads.” 

“Don’t thank me Jonny, your customer service is second to none mate.” 

“Talking of art I hear on the grapevine you’ve knocked out a new painting – couldn’t take a gander could I?” 

“No probs Jonny…come over here and cop a butchers at this little beauty. I’ve named her Columbine but I’m fucked if I can remember the name of the bird who modelled for it if the truth be told.  Met her down the fish and chip shop and she seemed a good sort. What do you reckon?”  

“Well it’s certainly different…I mean unlike your recent efforts this one’s kept her kit on – well save for the one first rate Bristol showing. Personally I like it when the birds are totally in the raw mate. This girl has got me juices flowing a tad yet I do not feel that all important firming happening within me parts. Still if you like her that way that’s all that matters.” 

“Cheers Jonny. For this painting I was going for the erotic more than the obvious in a ‘renaissancey’ sort of way – oh, I think I’ve just invented a new adjective there! Is there no end to my talents? Whatever, with just the one knocker on display the effect is to leave the viewer tantalised and wanting more.”  

“Oh I get you now – tell you what you should get the bird back and paint ‘Columbine – the logical conclusion.’ That way she’d be starker’s and it would make a fine companion to this painting. Well that’s my opinion anyway.” 

“I was actually thinking along the same lines yet forgot to take her mobile number – even though I invented the bloody mobile.  Sadly, that means I’ve lost contact with her.” 

“Such is life…still I’ve got to be getting along as old Rembrandt’s water works are playing him up and the bonus is he’s got a model in his studio for a nude painting even as I talk so I’d better get around there sharpish so as not to miss any of what I call the ‘still life action.’” 

“I understand mate yet do bear in mind that the girl Rembrandt’s painting is I understand probably a bit on the chubby side and may not be to your voyeuristic taste.” 

“Thanks for the heads up – so to speak – but do I look like I care Lenny boy? They’re all the same lovely gals to me mate.”  

“You’re a living legend Jonny.”

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46 thoughts on “JONNY CATAPAULT – THE PLUMBER THE ARTISTS ALL TRUST

    1. Obviously I know nothing of Parisian brothels yet it seemed to fit the tale! Mind you, it’s been so sticky hot these last few days a scantily clad Tahitian maid, fanning me with a giant palm leaf wouldn’t go amiss!

      1. Ah well, dreams of the sexy gal heralding from the South Pacific over, for today, after another sweltering, sleepless night…one, yet again made worse because the baby seagull on the roof constantly squeaks for its mother, hence we cannot even leave a window open…it is, ‘they give it’ going to rain bucket loads…thankfully!

      2. get a gun… Sorry. We have on the river for the last 35 sodding years one way or another but see this house? All I can is these gulls on this bit of it have hob nailed baits.

      3. Lol, see the other week on Mr Shey’s birthday, he did not want all his fish and chips–the portion was gargantuan and Mr Shey had also had lunch, anyway I said to him just turf it at these gulls bobbing on the water inches from our feet… Well, let’s just say I won’t do that again. I think he was lucky to escape with his life. Gulls here are a nuisance, espesh in the city centre. I once had to smack one with my handbag when it dive bombed my pal in a taxi queue one night. Mind you she had just gone and bought some chips. They believe in hanging about the taxi ranks cos of that.

      4. When my son was little, back in Dartmouth days the kids, when the weather was hot could not scoff their packed lunches outside as the gulls would swoop down and nick the lot. These days, the gulls of Dover seem to prefer my car as a toilet target more than others. Notwithstanding my love of the wretched creatures endures…although the young one on my roof I could do well without!

      5. well you know what? That day in the Ferry I did admire the fact they’d bobbed and bobbed on the waves and the odd one had come up like the pet tiger for the crumb of fish dressing BUT when Mr tossed that quarter fish a pack of jackals rose from the waves attacking one another and him. That was kind of admiring to look at too. I guess it is just how they lived and we flatter ourselves we can toss them anything.

      6. And ps the Ferry gulls regularly cover oor car and it is not in themselves. Funny thing is we lived closer to the river over in Newport but the angle was different and we were further up river. We never had any bother there.

      7. Fast food fed to said gulls by us humans, and land waste sites are the seat of the problem…prior to that they did a bit of fishing for themselves. The inadequacies of their nests (such as they are) and nesting habits does serve to amuse though.

  1. You got me giggling after a rough morning–no small feat, I assure you! How you time-travelers do get around…Lenny is one as well, yes? And Johnny’s suggestion makes TOTAL sense to me. Hmm. Wonder how Lenny would handle a “choose your own adventure” series of paintings…
    (PS–the wheel nut bit still has me giggling. 🙂

    1. My first job ever was compiling sales invoices for wheel nuts…still don’t fully understand what they are or what they do…looking at a box of them used to bore me beyond measure. As to Lenny, the universe would be his oyster save for his seafood allergy (not a lot of people know that).

  2. LOL! Lenny was an all-purpose inventer like Benjamin Franklin. And when Ben wasn’t inventing, he was traveling to France and being a man whore. I wonder if he will ever cross paths with Jonny or if you’re up for a Benny meets Lenny challenge? Jonny always makes me giggle! Thanks for the laughs, my friend! ❤

    1. Benny and Lenny…sounds like a high fat, sugar, salt content extreme fast food outlet (Lenny didn’t invent that by the way). I must look up re Benny, aside from knowing his name I am devoid of knowledge as to his accomplishments…could be some material there by the sound of it. That aside Rachael, it’s been so bloody hot in these parts lately I am genuinely going mad…can’t cope!

      1. I wouldn’t be able to cope with such heat…genuinely makes me feel ill. At least the rain has come in, which is handy as we just had a new roof fitted to the tiny sunroom (as the old one leaked, and despite best endeavours couldn’t be repaired). After 3 weeks without rain, we can now confirm the new roof doesn’t leak!

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