1938: American actress Ruth Chatterton as Josephine with French actor Pierre Blanchar as Napoleon in the film ‘A Royal Divorce’. (Photo by Denham/Hulton Archive/Getty Images)

Josephine: “Ah, my ‘liteel corporal’ why ze sad face?”

Napoleon: “Josie me luv, me minds gone blank – and not so much of the ‘little’ if you don’t mind, it cuts me to the very quick when you say such things.”

Josephine: “’Ow so ‘as your mind gone, ‘ow you say, ‘blonk?’”

Napoleon: “Well, luv as you know – perhaps more than anyone – it is me usual demeanour to be on the incisive side viz-a-viz the lust for having the ‘whip hand’, so to speak. The thing is Josie girl that I’m not sure if I should move in from the rear; make a pincer movement at the flanks or go for a bit of rapid dominance. Peaceful penetration has scant appeal and I’m not convinced a full frontal is for me. Of course I could use me big gun time and time again until it is spent but, I don’t know, is that really the right way to go about it? What a quandary I am in!”  

Josephine: “Oh ‘ow I love eet ven you talk dirty. Shall we make for ze bed chamber stratt avay for zum rompy pompy?”

Napoleon: “Do what? Look luv you’ve got me all wrong. I’m talking here about the Battle of Waterloo against that twat Wellington. It’s all kicking off in the AM and this one will be the make or break of me season. I really don’t want to lose me number 1 ranking now do I?”

Josephine: “I am sure you vill come up with, ‘ow you say, a liteel something.”

Napoleon: “And while we’re on the subject of twatto, the Duke of bloody Wellington do you know what? You don’t? Right I’ll tell you. He only gone and got one of his gutter urchins to conduct a covert operation in our encampment last night.”

Josephine: “Really?”

Napoleon: “Yes really as it happens. The little bastard made it to the latrines and using the street art form that is otherwise known as graffiti painted above the gent’s urinals, ‘This is where Napoleon pulled his bone apart.’ I’ll have him for that. True or otherwise no one takes the piss out of yours truly.”


51 thoughts on “NAPOLEON’S QUANDARY

    1. Years ago, a pub named The Bricklayers Arms, close to Putney Bridge over The Thames was famous for its graffiti. Customers traveled for miles just to check it all out…it was there that I encountered that particular line!

    1. Given my struggle to write up Josephine’s bit of French I thought the whole thing would fall apart if I did the same for Bonaparte, who, being a Jack the Lad, makes a half decent London boy!

      1. Tell you what young Leslie, I could wax lyrical about old Bonaparte…yes he lost The Battle of Waterloo, and with it his prowess, yet even now the French see him as something special…whereas I see Wellington as the consummate bore.

      2. In Elba the British poisoned the poor chap…still Tony Blair would have given the thumbs up, for sure. By the way, having watched the debate I don’t see what all the nasty fuss about Hilary was all about…sure, she’s not a Bernie (if only he as a Brit I’d pay for his trip over here) but the gal is a million times better than that Trump twat. I hate that man with a vengeance beyond repair. Presently, in my pathetic micro protest I won’t buy anything English or Welsh for both nations within the UK voted Brexit (Scottish – they voted Remain – and fish and cheese are rather lovely, if a little expensive hereabouts)…please God, don’t let me have to stop buying US goods if Trump wins…you chaps can knock out some fine red wine.

    1. Very true Maria…so did Josie think the very same, if only he’d taken heed of her words…in truth probably better if he’d stayed at home the next day with his lovely gal rather than lose the battle…then again, us chaps are rather useless in that regard!

  1. AH.. Mystery solved then as why zees words were uttered. And here was me theenkeeng eet had to do weethe ze bedroom tax and eet all being too damned exepnseev. I must say that film with Ruthy babe would be worth watching for a giggle which is defo what this piece made we doo too. XXX

    1. I remember George got a boxed set of James Cagney films when he was taking samples for a sound art project…sublime, surreal films worth every minute to watch…mind Casablanca is one of my all-time favourites – stood the test of time that one!

  2. Soon as I read Napoleon: “Josie me luv, me minds gone blank – and not so much of the ‘little’ if you don’t mind, it cuts me to the very quick when you say such things, I knew I wus going to like this one!

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