(c) The Royal Institution; Supplied by The Public Catalogue Foundation
(c) The Royal Institution; Supplied by The Public Catalogue Foundation

“I say Svetlana my young buxom maid of all maids, would you mind being ever so kind and pass me a housebrick from my treasured collection aside the bookcase”

“Certainly Sir Isaac. May I ask which variety of housebrick you favour? For here I note not just the Regency type, but also the Brecken Grey, the Brindle, indeed the Ironstone also, plus there’s a couple of jolly fine Breeze Blocks should they tickle your fancy?”

“Silly you Svetlana, the Breeze Block strictly speaking is not a housebrick as such.  I keep just a couple to neuter feral cats with as and when. Anyway I think it’s the Ironstone I’m after – nice and sturdy, just what I think I’ll need.  For today Svetlana I shall be adopting the persona of a common ruffian in order to put my theory of The Universal Law of Gravitation to the test and it would, I feel, be unseemly should any passers-by detect that I am one of the scientific gentry”

“Unseemly. How so Sir, if you do not think it impertinent of me in asking?”

“Not at all girl, not at all. It is simply that should my experiment as regards to the validity of The Universal Law of Gravitation prove incorrect I do not wish to become the laughing stock of London, hence the disguise”

“How exciting Sir. Then again, if you think it not too forward of me, may I ask exactly how the Ironstone housebrick fits into your experimental plans?”

“I tell you what Svetlana, it is a most lovely autumnal day so why don’t you come with me and you can see for yourself.  Simply go change out of your most arousing maid’s uniform into your regular provocative cleavage hugging garments, grab a bottle of London Gin and you will be the consummate common wench and, I determine, the perfect foil to me, the scruffy East End ruffian”

“I do not think it possible for me to leave the mansion this day for I have a leakage to deal with you may recall”

“Well try not to laugh, or perhaps just cross your legs if something humorous should smite you thus”

“Oh Sir, not that sort of leakage. Remember the plumbing personage will be here this very afternoon to replace a washer to the hot tap in the bathroom”

“Not a problem girl. We should, providing we do not dilly dally, be back for luncheon regardless. Now we best both get changed for the experiment beckons”


“Herewith your Ironstone housebrick Sir”

“Thank you Svetlana.  I do trust the carrying of the brick about your person caused you no discomfort for it had to be kept hidden as there are types in this district who would seek to steal such a fine example of a brick-maker’s masterly skills”

“I must admit to a little chaffing yet other than that nothing. Regardless I was only too pleased to be of assistance to you”

“Right then, here we go. I intend to lob the Ironstone high into the London skies and will thereafter keep a keen eye as to whether or not it drops back to terra firma thus proving my theory of The Universal Law of Gravitation as a valid premise”


“Oh dear Sir, the brick having reached its optimum velocity now sits comfortably upon the fourth floor window sill of Molly Malone’s Whorehouse and Gin Emporium”

“Bollocks. Yet at least none of my rivals also attempting to prove the theory will know anything of this calamitous failing on my part”


“Do not look so troubled Sir. Why don’t you just sit under one of the apple trees in the orchard and feast upon my ample offerings?”

“Good thinking girl. I find that there is little better than looking up at young ripe fruit whilst noshing down below”

“In which case you will enjoy the sustenance of this packed luncheon I have prepared for you”

“Well, Svetlana, two treats no less, good fortune really does smile upon me at last”

“Oh Sir, I think you may have misunderstood”

“Oh dear. I think I may well have!”

“Whatever, for my part I shall adjourn within, lay supine upon the settee and think of Transylvania until the plumber doth cometh…and do keep an eye out for falling apples”





    1. I find a handy club hammer my sanctum protection of first choice implement in that regard…I carry mine with me at all times (save for when showering…rusting to consider!)

    1. For a bloke who made a name for himself stating the bloody obvious, I agree he did rather well for himself. Mind you, he was on safe territory with gravity…I’ll lay odds if had run with telling fat birds they get fat eating too much he’d never have got his knighthood.

  1. DAMMIT, man, you’re going to make me wake my children! Your characters have such a delicious knack for misunderstandings, not to mention your comedic timing is f’ing impeccable. LOVE IT.

    1. That knack of misunderstanding what others says is the curse I have lived with all my life…I make no secret of the fact that I take things ‘literally’. When younger I hated the fact I couldn’t see nuance in anything. With age, I wouldn’t be without my favourite curse…with age I found the funny side of it. Had awful trouble understanding girlfriends in my youth though…most thought me an idiot!

      1. What? If those girls look at a poet of humor and whimsy and think him an idiot, then those are girls not worth knowing. 🙂 Lucky you’ve found the perfect partner in mischievous crime. xxx

      2. They were good gals…back then I could barely read, spell, write…even failed a crucial English Language exam at 16 years…and may have mentioned previously the teacher wrote just the one word on my end of term report, ‘Moron’!

      3. The tapestry of life…all these years on the only school report I have kept is the ‘moron’. I am rather proud of it…the bloke did me a favour really, he may well be long dead yet he did me proud. As to those who believe in God, you are not idiots in part or at all…anyone blessed with humour and compassion cannot be an idiot, whatever their stance on ‘things’ (a ‘thing’ being most philosophers preferred word when musing). It is sleep time in these parts…have a fine rest of the day you and yours.

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