(Episode 1; Season 2)

Throughout my entire adult life, I had always hoped that humankind would one day see the big picture. That one day soon everyone would be a vegan like me and all the sweet little furry creatures of Planet Earth would be free to roam the continents without fear of being scoffed.  A vegan life isn’t an easy thing.  With a degree of certainty, I acknowledge that my veganism has cost me dear. Some 37 of my 45 lovers (well I think it’s 45, but that’s not counting the one-night stands when the worse for organically produced sparkling free-range Conference Pear wine and my annual Glastonbury Music Festival escapades) left me because of the flatulence that goes hand in hand with my ethical vegan diet…well that, and my reluctance to shave my naturally hirsute armpits and all places south thereof, so some have commented.

Indeed, my last lover, ‘He’ who I truly believed would be ‘The One’, Cedric Moonbeam Rossthythe-Pendragon I think he may have been called, had pointedly told me that sharing my bed was akin to sleeping in a methane gas pipeline and that he could take it no longer.

“But Cedric Moonbeam Rossthythe-Pendragon…or whatever your name is…do remember that methane is a ‘natural’ gas, and ‘natural’ means ‘good’ in my world view. Besides, I could never give up eating raw Jerusalem artichokes or whole grain spelt for any man…you must see that.”

I never saw Cedric ever again. Obviously, I felt suicidal. Often my suicidal tendencies flare up when life disappoints.  It is at these times I seek solace doing a bit of tree-hugging. The trees know everything you see. The trees are my only true friends. Communing with them naked is the best way to absorb their magical energy. I well remember that my favourite oak, the one I call Brian, once whispered that to me, while that nasty Dirty Derek was smoking a fag stood the other side of Brian’s trunk. It couldn’t possibly have been Derek being naughty again who said it though, as he was not prone to an idle whisper…no, it definitely was Brian who uttered those stirring words.

Whatever, it was when hugging dear Brian my new poem came to me.

SONG TO CEDRIC (or whatever his name was)

Destiny had it that the one day

Passing wind would be socially accepted

By one and all, and all and one

And that I’d never again be neglected


By all the men I’ve ever met

Be they black or white or sunburnt red

That all would be content to share

Their love for me in my bed


Yet woe is me that will never happen

Just one ‘silent but deadly’ fart is often enough

To see my lovers, rush for the door

Whether I’m clad in ethically produced cotton tie-dyed garments, or am simply in the buff


I’m feeling suicidal again now. Thus far I’ve tried to top myself 26 times in total. All attempts have ended in abject failure.

I recall that one time I attended a BBQ where the boys were cooking up Linda McCartney organically produced non-GMO soya sausages. It was the fizziness of the organically sourced raspberry cider that caused it I think. Whatever, I could not help but let a massive one rip. Luckily for me I was a good distance away from the boys holding their own spatula’s.  Sadly, they were not so lucky. Many suffered 80% burns when the smouldering charcoal ignited and, in an instant, engulfed them in the fires of Hell itself.  That was the night Dirty Derek was incinerated in the manner of one who had spontaneously combusted.

Anyhow, tonight I intend to set up my own private BBQ and stand close by. That should do the trick as I’m never short of a swift trump!  In the manner of Joan of Arc, I shall say, “Goodbye cruel world.”


  1. I imagine she will need to kill herself after dislodging from the polypores growing on this tree. Poor girl, but she has it coming.

    1. She did succeed a couple of years back…couldn’t resist bringing her back to life! In the end she will always win out because that’s a rule I have when penning silliness…’the gals must always win’

    1. Cheers Paul…I had no idea until chatting with Leslie the other day that ‘trump’ is not a word used for passing wind in the US. It is, and has been for years, commonplace over here…admittedly it has come back into fashion these last few days.

    1. It is indeed ridiculous. The thing is, the person I knew who hugged trees thus was also ridiculous (in a nice sort of way) yet was likely the most boring person I ever met..ever! I well remember my eyes glazing over as she spoke words of tedium. Couldn’t help liking her a bit though.

      1. I love this soooo much. I love this character!

        I was jus excited!


        Keep writing and I will continue to read.

        Does that mean…its kind of a real story!
        So amazing

      2. I have a bucket load of Jessica stories from last year. Sometimes I think it a little cruel to satirize the poor gal, but then again that’s what I do. And yes, there is an element of truth in her tale. The original…the one I knew back in the day…wasn’t called Jessica, but she was just as daft. She once invited me to do a bit of naked tree-hugging on a wet and windy winter’s day. When I declined the offer she got all suicidal thinking I didn’t like her! Glad you like her!

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