JONNY CATAPULT – THE PLUMBER THE ROMANTIC NOVELISTS ALL TRUST

Ariella's Escape 3D Image of Book Cover
CAROLEE CROFT’S INADEQUATE WATER PRESSURE

“Well that’s all sorted out, luv…or may I call you Carolee? I can, cheers for that luv…Carolee, that is. Anyhow, before explaining to you the exact cause and subsequent resolution of your plumbing issues, I would point out that what with all this humidity here in Sao Paulo I have a thirst you could photograph and a cup of strong tea, four sugars please and one of my much-favoured Garibaldi biscuits would be the perfect pick me up.”

SAO PAULO

“Sorry Jonny, this is Brazil, I’ve only got coffee and insofar as biscuits go I can only offer you a Sequilhos. They’re gluten free.”

“What pray is a gluten free Sequilhos when it’s at home?”

“Sequilhos are a very light Brazilian biscuit made with cornflour that melt in your mouth, so delicious! There’s also pao de queijo, a soft cheese bun.”

“Crikey, I haven’t had a cup of coffee since the old King died. Still when in Rome and all that, I’ll pass on the Sequilhos though. I like to be able to dunk me biscuits and these don’t look up to mark on the dunking front. Whatever, getting onto to the subject at hand, namely your lack of water pressure. It may well be the case that water piped into residential premises in Sao Paulo increased from 79% to 92% between 1990 and 2010 as per the National Sanitation Plan, but that doesn’t mean to say water pressure increased at the same rate. Oh no, you see the reason your water pressure could be likened to that of an old bloke with prostate problems is quite simply that one thin blue plastic pipe serves to supply all the residential properties in this area. In my book, the minimum standard mains water pressure should be sufficient to push water through the system to a height of 10 metres when measured at the point where the water leaves the supply pipe and enters the home.”

 
“And mine does now?”

 
“It certainly does, Carolee luv.”

 
“How did you manage that, Jonny?”

 
“I sneakily ran a pipe from that posh hotel up the road when they weren’t looking, so to speak. They’ll not notice and besides you mentioned when booking this job in that you’re on a globetrotting expedition and you won’t be here that long. If you don’t tell, I won’t!”

 
“My lips are sealed.”

 
“So, you’re a top notch romantic novelist, I hear. Do I surmise correctly in thinking that those books what are laid out on the kitchen table are works of yours? They are? Good, may I cop a gander?”

 
“You may, Jonny.”

 
“What’s this one then? ‘Engaged to the Earl’. Well knock me down with a feather. What a coincidence! Accepting that the lovely young lady is plainly not backwards in coming forwards, I know the muscular bloke stood at the back in pole position, so to speak. That’s Derek from the darts team at my local boozer. Cracking bloke. He always wanted to be a Hollywood actor but he was cursed with a voice so high-pitched that it could cut glass. Shame he was 100 hundred years late and dipped out on the silent movies really. Still, I’m glad to see he’s made something of himself. What’s the book about then Carolee?”

 
“Well, Johnny, this is an historical erotic romance about a young lady named Martha who is on holiday in Bath, which was a very fashionable thing to do in 18th century England. It was a more free-spirited place than, say, London at the time, and the social classes could mix more freely to a certain degree. Martha takes this maybe a little too far because she starts romancing a servant! Shocking, I know, but I’ve always had a thing for the working man (winks at Johnny), and sometimes I write my own fantasies into my stories.
Anyways, Martha is also engaged to the Earl of Bradfield, modelled there on the cover by your friend Derek. And while the men want to fight over her, she seems to want them both at the same time.”

engaged to the earl 3.indd

“As it happens I know Bath very well and tell you with degree of certainty that the hot mineral springs in the City pump out a quarter of a million gallons of water a day at a steady temperature of 49°c…do I sense you glazing over a tad, Carolee? I do go on a bit. Anyhow, this one here, ‘The Vampire’s Lair’. Speaking as a connoisseur of both paranormal romance and the fairer sex in general I must say that…how shall I put it? That well-proportioned Goth of a girl fairly has me quivering in me crucial parts. It may well be the case that I request of you that I avail myself of a cold shower before we continue with this chat now I’ve got your water supply back on tap, so to speak. To be a vampire and stumble across her, a dream come true. I suppose it’s a good thing I’m not a vampire as knowing my luck I get lumbered with me mother-in-law between diets. What’s the low down on this tale then, Carolee?”

 
“In this story, Liv Fairhaven is working as a maid for a mysterious man who calls himself Lord of Darkness. He’s a brooding vampire, though Liv just thinks he’s a dork, albeit a very attractive one.
He can read minds, but he can’t seem to convince her that he’s a real vampire. But when Halloween comes around, she might just fall under his spell. It’s part romantic comedy part erotica with a slight BDSM angle. 

carolee3

Speaking of mothers-in-law, I also have an idea for the sequel where the vampire’s mother comes to visit.”

 
“Well if his old mum is anything like my mother-in-law I reckon you’d not have a snowball’s chance in hell of nurturing your erotic creativity toward the written word. What’s next?”

 
“Would you care to have a sneak preview of my new novel, Jonny? It’s only just been published.”

 

“I certainly would, Carolee, luv. What’s it all about then?”

carolee1

“Well, it’s called ‘Ariella’s Escape’ and its book one of the trilogy I’m writing called ‘The Stars at Zenith’. Basically, Ariella…that’s her on the front cover… had always believed that the life of a warrior should include indulging in wine and men whenever they were on offer, and in Chaldea, the capital of the old empire, they certainly were. Especially the man she finds in her bedchamber, a slave provided by her hosts to entertain her in any way she wishes.
At first, she’s hesitant because she’s very considerate of the slave’s feelings. Now this slave, who didn’t get a place on the cover because otherwise people would be blinded by his masculine beauty, his name is Demetrius, and he’s actually a nobleman from another realm, but he had been captured in battle at a young age. He really wants to seduce her, and… once Ariella realizes that he wants this to happen, she really doesn’t hold back.
Now, you might be wondering, if they get together so early in the book, then what’s the rest of the book about? Due to unforeseen events, Ariella and Demetrius end up escaping the palace together, but they’re not sure not about where they stand with each other, both worried that they’re going to get rejected. Not to mention the dangers they face on their journey… but fortunately this is a somewhat erotic novel, so I won’t be giving too much away if I tell you they end up having some steamy scenes together, even one that involves a ‘sexual theater’. Are you OK Jonny, you look like you’re about to pass out?”

“I’ll tell you what Carolee I might just do that. A glass of water please…thanks. I feel a little better after that swig. So, this gorgeous warrior girl prone to knocking back the vino and actively enjoying the company of men gets to have a bloke slave to do whatever she wants with? If only I could be that slave. I know it’s beyond my wildest dreams, but such a thing would fulfil my tendency to derive a certain gratification from the company of a full-figured girl who likes to dominate and have me lie back and think of England, I can tell you. If there was ever a gig I wanted, this would be the one.”

“Now stay calm Jonny you still look ever so pale. Perhaps it’s for the best if we change the subject. What with the heat here in Sao Paulo and all this chat about my novels.”

“Not to worry Carolee. I have to say you’ve got me curious. What got you into the writing game?”

“Writing to me is like a compulsion that I can’t resist. I’ve always loved reading, and I began my first attempts at writing at the age of 12. I used to write all sorts of books from historical adventure to epic fantasy. I couldn’t find a publisher, but when I tried my hand at romance, things began to go more smoothly, and I got contracts from New Concept Publishing and Black Velvet Seductions. So now I write in any genre I want, as long as there’s a love story in there. And like you, Jonny, I’m a true romantic at heart, so it works for me.”

“Well, I best be off now Carolee. I’ve got to get over to Emily Brontë’s gaff urgently. She just texted me saying she’s dropped the manuscript for some book she’s written called Wuthering Heights
down the lavvy and it’s stuck in the u-bend. Frankly, if it’s like her last effort it’ll be hardly worth retrieving still she pays cash so I can’t complain. I’ve enjoyed your company.”

“Thank you, Jonny. Shehanne Moore was spot on, you are a living legend.”

‘Ariella’s Escape’ is available on Amazon US, Amazon Canada, Amazon UK, Amazon Australia, Nook, Kobo, iTunes
You can find the lovely Carolee Croft here on WordPress at https://caroleecroft.wordpress.com/

 

 

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25 thoughts on “JONNY CATAPULT – THE PLUMBER THE ROMANTIC NOVELISTS ALL TRUST

  1. from a dissertation on hydraulics – through an insightful interview and literary review of bodice-bursting novels – to the ultimate surprise that we have jonny to thank for wuthering heights – your talent is positively panoramic

  2. Thank you very much for this post, Mike. I agree with Paul, your talent knows no bounds. It takes a truly creative mind to dream up a literary plumber. And now my plumbing’s fixed, and I’m so proud to know I share a plumber with Emily Brontë.

    1. You won’t say that when you need your plumbing mended. Oh no, for it is then you will call upon the services of Jonny Catapult, The Plumber the Heavy Metal Bands All Trust!

  3. Dreamy pictures created by your poetic lines but not the ones you are thinking of as we in Ireland are without water,…burst mains creating mayhem so a whole posse of plumbers are needed. Take care

  4. Lovely to see Johnny back on the spot once again! A man of chivalry, make no mistake. And a bit of bawdy humor. body humor? Ugh, my spelling. And Carolee’s book sounds lovely–thanks for letting us come along on the job! xxxxx

  5. Remind me when my novel is finished and swept up by some publisher to hire you to promote it. Hot damn! I don’t typically read romances and you’ve got me wanting to buy all she’s got–
    funny stuff at 7 a.m. before coffee. I’m spent.

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