FANNY, I THINK OF YOU OFTEN

fanny actual book cover

Good Lord, I’m quite taken aback. My latest book has only just this minute been listed on Amazon and look at all these fabulous reviews and messages I’ve received from the fabled and the famous. These are just a mere sample.

Marilyn Monroe: “I can’t thank you enough, Michael. It’s about time the truth was told. Yes, to my shame my life was blighted by flatulence, although in fairness such gusts of malodorous wind emanating from my BTM did ensure me iconic status when I released a smelly humdinger of colossal proportions and as a result my little white dress blew up while I was standing over an ineffectual subway grate in New York on the set of ‘The Seven Year Itch’ movie. I can’t thank you enough for including the tale of my dire plight when writing this book, a frankly outstanding piece of modern English literature.”

Audrey Hepburn: “Dearest, sweetest, adorable Mike. At last, because of this wonderful book of yours, my story can be complete. Let the world see how I suffered so very much from the curse that was my regular bouts of gout. It fairly marred my life yet never deterred me from carrying on regardless. Eternal love and all the very best with this exceptional work of literary art. You’ll always have a place in my heart, you are an incredible man. Love, Audrey.”

Svetlana: “You promised…you really did promise…you so, so promised I would feature as your main character in this book. That’s the only reason I slept with you and did all those awful, disgusting things you made me do, yet now you’ve let me down you horrid personage. Not Yours, Svet #Metoo.  PS Your book is total shit.”

Marlene Dietrich: “My heartful thanks that you included me in your awesome new book my…let’s face it, when all is said and done… nutzloser liebhaber. As my signature song ‘Lily Marlene’ goes;

‘Underneath the lantern, by the barrack gate

darling I remember the way you used to wait

it was there that you whispered tenderly

that you loved me, you’d always be

my Mikey of the lamplight

my own Mikey, you’re a f*****g pain’

 You really are a tosser, but I so love you.”

Rabbie Burns: “I had not a blind clue you’d write such kind words about the poetry I knock out when the mood is about me. I’ll admit to a few difficulties when penning ‘My Love is like a Red, Red Rose’, although for the main part the Buckie was to blame.  That I’d been on the piss all bloody day getting lashed up on it and was as full as a gypsy’s bra was a crippling burden to cope with when trying to get my creative juices in the poetic zone. That’s the truth. Gratitude my friend and all the best with your gem of a book, a masterpiece akin to the smoothness of a single malt Talisker. Your Old Chum, Rabbie.”

~

Should this insane tome have appeal, the links to the book in paperback or Kindle format can be found at both Amazon US  and Amazon UK

I tried my level best to sort out links in other English speaking nations yet thus far they only seem to have the Kindle link.

fanny isbn back cover


80 thoughts on “FANNY, I THINK OF YOU OFTEN

  1. The is is truly wonderful , Mike, remarkable really considering how these folks rose from the dead to lavish praise for your new book. I for several plan to give it a go too because I know it’s going to be great. Congratulations Mike. 😊🎈🎉🎊

    1. Cheers, young Holly. All my life women, famous and less so have fallen at my feet overwhelmed and in adoration of my natural animal charm. Just like these lovely gals who’ve sung my praises here. I’ve come to live with it although rest assured it hasn’t been easy. Personally, I believe it a scandalous thing that my doctor puts it down to extreme halitosis.

      1. I’m coming around to agreeing with you. He may well be a quack. This very morn I visited the surgery and whilst waiting with others in the waiting room his secretary approached with a peg affixed to her nose and carrying a long sharp stick upon the tip of which was a note with my name on it. The note read, ‘Please wait your turn outside as you are distressing the our patrons’. Of course, my presumption was that the gals waiting with me had been overwhelmed by my natural seductive charm and the hunky erotism I exude in shed loads. I’ll feel sure that was what it was all about.

    1. It’s a shocking thing Ms S, that my darling Svetlana has been so cruel as to pen this terrible review. All I’ve ever asked of the gal is that she tends to my every need in lieu of a miserly wage. How could the she treat me thus? Where I ask is the fairness in that?

  2. Bought. How marvellous! Congratulations sir, I’m looking forward to it.

    – Esme setting free a thousand and one balloons free from their captive life of cagery upon the Cloud in honour of his achievement

    1. That is most kind and truly appreciated. Sincere thanks. You have me thinking just how many such balloons would my dear wife have to grasp before taking off. ‘Tis a matter I shall be pondering for days. Possibly the clue is the extra 1 on top of the 1000!

      1. It’s well deserved Mike too, so you’re most welcome. I’m laughing at your misses flying off for a swift holiday holding onto her balloons, but surely she’s light enough to only need a couple (if you value your life that is). Hahahahaha

        – Esme shaking his hand upon the Cloud

    1. Cheers, Will. Back in the day my desire was Marlene and Audrey in a threesome. That both lovely gals considered me the consummate twat sadly put pay to that…I live in hope, nothing more.

  3. Looking forward to reading your intriguing tales, kind Sir! Found out about it on Esme’s Cloud, quoting myself now:
    Duly purchased, downloaded, and ready to read. 🙂
    I’m ever a lover of laughter, pathos, and the irascible — particularly the kind wrapped within a treat, of course. Already piqued the freak out over this tome.
    Fulsome disclosure: Marlene often called me a nussloser Liebhaber (not merely nutzlos, truth be told. 🙂 )

      1. You are most welcome, Mike. Eliciting a gold-worthy chuckle makes my late afternoon.
        “Fulsome” has become a multipurpose Swiss Army wordknife that fits all spectrums of intention — in an awful and aweful way, as ’twere. Confer with Procrustes for much less and far more on this 🙂
        Thanks for the thought-full volume, I’m already a fan(ny) 🙂

      2. Cheers, Bill. ‘Tis a great pleasure reading your words…words that do the English language the credit it deserves. Words of yore back where they belong; in the now. It makes a change from the double syllable old tosh one finds here, there and everywhere in these days magnetic drivel. I remain fingers dutifully crossed in the hope my book serves to retain your interest and amuse throughout. For my part, I have long since left the centre of sanity…well at least that is what my dear wife tells me and she should know as it was in that wilderness I first chanced upon her. Rest assured, Sir that I shall actively follow your astute musings. Regards, Mike

  4. Skol, Mike! Most grateful for the very kind words of encouragement, I’m pleased to join with you and all stalwarts who labor in word-laboratories. Drivel is indeed the coin of the realm today: where the celebration of ignorance, serviced by propaganda millers and click-bait farmers churn the dregs for a marginal return, where scoundrels find gainful employ.

    Enjoying *FANNY, I THINK OF YOU OFTEN* immensely — a crazy quilt on a theme of Fanny. “Brevity is the fanny of wit.” I’m certain I’ve read that somewhere. A great many fun accounts, Sir. I might run out of Post-it-Note-Nugget-Markers 🙂

    1. I don’t think I’ve heard the word ‘scoundrels’ since the old King died. A word amongst words deserved of greater usage methinks. I recall when penning the skits for this book the words, ‘ruffians’ arrived from the distant past. ‘ruffians & scoundrels’ will do for me. I’m glad you’re still enjoy the book. It is a great shame when words are killed off…having said that, when driving in Wales and the signposts are in the Welsh language barely a living soul still speaks does irk. At least their town names give rise to the odd chuckle. ‘Llanfairpwllgwyngyll’ a case in point!

      1. The other day, I was trying to find just the right word in the English language for:

        “a deadline: an application for a Mediterranean cruise designed for experts in the manufacture of speed limit signs.”

        Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzungschildherstellungfachmännersgesellschaftsmittelmeerschiffsreiseanmeldungsformularausfüllungsfrist works in German, but isn’t there an English word for that? We shouldn’t have to borrow from German. Perhaps there is a Welsh word for that.
        🙂

      2. Nice one, Bill. It does make one wonder what it might be like to be a dyslexic in Germany to the extent that a title to a skit just fell into my lap. ‘Herr Kerfuffle, Speechwriter to The Nazi Party’ in ‘How I Inadvertently Started WW2’. Can I get away with that? I shall ask the missus, she’ll know, she always does. Having said that it does feel as the theft of an idea from your prompt and is a tad on the plagiaristic side. Perhaps this will remain a non-runner.

      3. No attribution necessary, most kind Sir — die Gedanken sind frei.

        I enjoy making ideas available, a remnant of my overly idealistic teacher mentality perhaps 🙂

      4. My thanks for the link, Bill. The YouTube video you sent coincidentally has a connection with the very thing I was penning at the time, although I’ve applied it to ‘words’ rather than ‘thoughts’, yet in essence they are almost one and the same thing. Per the piece you sent the link for the translation commences, ‘The freedom of thoughts…’ then elaborates accompanied by Germanic marching melody, a truth any free thinker appreciates, others less so. For my part per a snippet of my musings I say, “…‘Words’ are anarchistic creatures…free roaming is their way of life. Were it the case they ended up confined within the cages of Manuscript Zoo they would commit hara-kiri. In life I cannot, as the old London saying goes, ‘Organize a piss up at a brewery’ and likewise when writing I’ve never been capable of successfully structuring a coherent plan. Quite the opposite as I live in constant fear of preordained rules. Free-thinking never submits to precedent’s ineptitude.” It seems we are on the same wavelength, Sir.

      5. Languages and dialects follow their own predilections groomed over thousands of years, molded by thousands of anarchical words. Grammarians who impose the predilections of one over the other are jailers. Enforcing inflections onto a non-inflected language (or vice versa) is a jailing MO too! However, the Vikings performed a kind of Gordian Knot solution to the gender and case rules derived from Saxony: tossed them all out they did — thus was the word “the” invented 🙂

      6. Wonderful stuff. The source of ‘the’. I may well dine out on this one. By the way, I shall mention you to my son ‘Zoolon’. Reading your note about self on your blog as I just was, he shares the same passion for animal rights and the planet we live on. ‘Zoolon’ I stress is not his birth name, merely the name he hides behind business wise. Blogging, he tells me is part of the social media ‘thing’ that musicians are compelled to use…in his case, reluctantly.

      7. Words like “wonderful stuff” stoke my insatiable hunger for compliments. What you hear in the background is me snarfing ’em up — pathetic by every measure, but it’s what keeps me rolling figurative sheets of paper around the figurative platen 🙂
        Kindest thanks, kindest Sir!

      8. ‘Tis not pathetic at all, Sir. Over coffee at ‘The Russians’ this very morn I made mention of the origins of ‘The’ to the well read missus. She, most interested, and with an annoying vast knowledge of Vikings names, places and dialect of Northern England…notwithstanding she herals from the South West Celtic region…challenged me as to the point that ‘thee’…a common word twixt the Celtic parts of the UK and Scotland…surely was the original Nordic take (extra) notwithstanding it’s moderns days multi-definiton varied inadequacy. All I could say in return was to say bollocks! Further more she ‘annouced’ that German as a language does have some Latin origins, whereas I claim it does not. I live in hope that she is wrong. She has a heart of gold, yet also has a pompous streak,

      9. My apologies for taking so long replying. I spent most of yesterday following Brexit news trying to fathom if latest events might assist my ‘Remain’ dream. Regardless, you’ll note from your own blog that the link you kindly sent has been forwarded to my dear wife who I know for certain will enjoy reading.

      10. I stand in solidarity with Bremainership as fervently as I stand in solidarity against Trumpership. My parents were born in 1921: interestingly the year between *your* parents’ birthyears — not many Centennarians around these days, and not a single person who remembers worldwide descent into multi-front Fascism — a belief system that possesses no redeeming values, no redeeming art, no redeeming literature. It’s the very essence of nihilism.

      11. Brexiteers, how I loathe thee. They are…seemingly with a No Deal victory on the cards…about to make, ‘This once shit nation, shit again’..my juvenile take on the subject! Sadly, trapped in this little island we are blessed with a worrying quantity of closet rascists, ‘in denial’ rascists and ‘in your face’ rascists within the general populous, all of whom despise ‘Jonny Foreigner’ at one end of the scale; at the other the powerful, wealthy marionettists who have asset/money related motives of their own. Jacob Rees-Mogg, a fine example. Think Trump with an academic brain. Rees-Mogg…recently labelled Jacob Lees-Wogs by a fine satirist I know…has moved his business in Ireland, within the EU, even though he advocates a Hard Brexit for the rest of us. Talk about, ‘I’m All Right Jack’. Dark clouds hang over the likes of me, as we likely will, any time now, suffer the theft of our European indentity. An identity I hold dear. I have reached the stage where I don’t buy British goods or services. A small protest. I have yet to hear of just one rweason for leaving the EU I cannot shred in an instant. Bad times we live in.

      12. Kind thanks for introducing me to Zoolon, Z is a good letter to begin a name IMO. My son’s name is Alan: A-Z, namesaked after an old friend I twice met in a delightfully synchronistic way in 1972. Hobbling on a tablet at the moment, so will save details for later. Always happy to meet a fellow animal rights advocate, an immediate ice-breaker 🙂

    1. Dear Svetlana, my how I miss her. She would wheel me through the park in my bath chair; polish my ear trumpet and moncole; serve me copious glasses a port; light my Havana cigar; place the fez upon my scalp; wrap me in woollen blankets and generally tend my every need. Sadly the worm turned!

  5. Hi Mike,

    I am here by way of the (Esme’s) Cloud. Looking forward to receiving and reading your work, sir! The reviews alone are titillating, I must say.

    Michael

    1. Cheers, Sir. I hope against hope you like it. I’ve been working on the sequel and have just determined a dedication that reads, ‘This book is dedicated to any poor sod who decides to read it. Rest assured, you have my heartfelt sympathy’. In the light of that, should it be the case you enjoy this one, I’ll send you number 2 for free. My thanks, Sir.

      1. Thank you for the kind offer, Mike! The fact of the matter is I love writing, and I love those who dare to write, and I particularly love those who dare to write as only they can. So I would say the odds are in both of our favor. Meanwhile, I look forward to experiencing more of your wit-soaked prose.

        Michael

      2. Cheers, Sir. Should you manage to complete the read avoiding permanent brain damage then good on you. I just took a morning stroll through your blog. ‘Tis one of enviable honesty and well-chosen rich words supported by research in the instances where such research was necessary. I am, Sir, most impressed. You write well and certainly far better than the egotistic majority we all stumble across here, there and everywhere.
        I should stress that ‘silly skits’ is not the only genre I work in. To my discredit I am but a ‘Jack of all trades’ yet never claim to be a master of any. My so called ‘poetry’ I refer to as ‘almost poetry’; my so called ‘novels’ I prefer to name just ‘books’. Nothing more. As you so rightly say, ‘I love those who dare to write’. Get it right and we are dressed like kings…get it wrong and we simply don the Emperor’s new clothes.
        Best of good fortune. Regards…and as I am generally referred to…The Old Fool

      3. Mike, Thank you for the kind words. I have returned to report on my experiences touring the lunatic fringe of your wit-soaked imagination. While clearly I have lived to tell about it, without the first inclination to open a vein or top myself, I did want to note briefly an unexpected benefit–which was the strengthening of the muscles around my diaphragm, upper chest, and cheeks. All of which came from reading your various skits and oscillating in place like a wind-up toy in a coffee mug. I admire the expanse of your creativity, which surprises at every turn, and feel I am all the better for having surrendered myself to the jolly wilderness of your muse. Keep up the good work, sir!

        Michael

      4. My sincere thanks, Sir. Kind words always trump cruel ones…unless, of course, cruel ones are a warranted, a thought provoked by the word with a recent additional definition, ‘trump’. That said, and true to my word should you care for the sequel (The Elastic Snapped), or indeed an alternative book in my list of debatable endeavours then just let me know where to send it and it shall be done. Links to my books, as you may have spotted at the right hand side of my blog, reveal a hopeless collage of indifference. There are two books of poetry, the two books of skits and two novels, ‘Notoriously Naked Flames’…a tad surreal and set in and around WW2…and the new one, ‘Whatever Happened to Eve?’, the latter with my dear wife Shirley as co-author and of debatable pedigree in terms of its arguably excessive ‘adult’ content (I blame the wife for the direction this book took). Whatever, just advise me of what you may or may not want.
        Again, my thanks. In all seriousness it is truly appreciated. If you feel so inclined…and certainly I am not, would never, wish you to think I’m trying to corner you…a ‘copy and paste’ of your comment regarding, ‘Fanny I Think of You Often’ on Amazon review section would go down a treat. I stress that if such a thing is a pain then my apologies for raising the subject. Regards, Mike

      5. Mike, Amazon is now processing my review–a formality as I understand it, as having provided professional sales representation for your work, I can see no reason why they would now withhold my opinions on the matter. I would love a copy of your sequel, and if you e-mail me offline–you should have my address as a result of our exchange here–I can offer you some hints about where to send it. Having shipped a few blogger friends in Britain copies of my own poetry works in the past, without which I would not have had any readers whatsoever, I can appreciate both the expense involved, and the reasons why we all do such things even if it involves missing a meal or two. All of which is to say that if this is a hardship in any way please feel released from your bond, and if you wish to proceed, and the manner in which you find it best to fulfill this oath allows for an autographed copy… well… I would be much obliged…

        Michael

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