SATAN’S LOST BICYCLE CLIPS

satan-bike

Venue, Hell – Post the Beginning of Time: A most disgruntled Satan is rummaging about Hell looking for his bicycle clips. Ever since the idea struck him last evening he’d been looking forward to going ‘off road’ on his new mountain bike, a present from Enepsigos (the fallen angel who appears in the shape of woman). Satan being a tad on the bisexual side has always had a soft spot for Enepsigos – needs must when the devil drives and all that!  Anyway, what happened was that Satan had, upon positively tearing off the Halford’s wrappings that had encased his new pushbike, duly assigned the task of purchasing the bicycle clips to Purah (the fallen angel of forgetfulness). In short Purah, whilst pretty sure he purchased said ‘clips’, cannot for the hell of him remember where he put the bloody things!

Satan: “Well this is brilliant. All I ask you to do Purah is pop down to Sports Direct; pick me up my bicycle clips and make it back home in one piece.  It’s not bloody rocket science is it? You know me, always safety first and I have no intention of catching my trousers on the chain and taking a tumble I can tell you.  For that matter where’s my change? I gave you a tenner and they couldn’t have cost more than 4 or 5 quid.”

Purah: “Sorry Satan I can’t remember anything.  It’s all a bit of a blur really.”

Satan: “What’s a blur…the bicycle clips, my change or both?”

Purah: “The whole thing really I don’t think I can cope anymore.”

Satan: “You can’t cope? How the hell do you think I feel? I’ve got this beautiful piece of engineering and what can I do with it, bloody nothing that’s what. You’re as about as much use as Obyzouth (fallen angel female who kills new-borns and cause still-births) in a maternity ward.   Call yourself a fallen angel, twat.”

Exit a bewildered Purah mumbling something about not being sure if he’s meant to be doing something ‘good’ or ‘bad’ today and enter Gusion (fallen angel who can discern the past, present or future) clutching in his grasp yet another winning Lotto scratch card.

Gusion: “We’ll be on the razzle tonight Satan me old mucker, that’s another £50k in the old ‘sky rocket.’ How are you Satan, you’re looking a bit peeved if you don’t mind me saying so?”

Satan: “You could say that. That bloody idiot Purah’s forgotten where he put my bicycle clips. You’re a clever bloke Gusion…got any bright ideas?”

Gusion: “Well one thing’s for sure they’re not in Hell…beyond that I haven’t got a blind clue.”

Satan: “Bollocks. I really wanted to go out and about…you know I’ve got the devil’s work to do.”

Gusion: “Tell you what why don’t I text Naamah (fallen angel of prostitution). I can send out for a few bevvies and we could have a right fun time with her – she’s always up for it, if you get my drift!”

Satan: “Maybe after me bike ride, yes that sounds a plan to me. Cor, do you remember last time she stopped by with that…what’s her name…oh yes, Onoskelis (female fallen angel who lives in caves and perverts men). That was a night to remember…it was worth having to take penicillin for the next three months I can tell you.”

Gusion: “Well I’ll be off now. Think I’ll stop by the newsagents and pick up another Lotto scratch card, me lucks in today.  Then again it always is!”

Gusion takes of his leave. Enter Amduscias (name of the fallen angel who appears as a unicorn). 

Satan: “What the hell are you doing here? Took a bloody whole day to clear up the dung after your last visitation. Hope your bowel’s are in better nick…so to speak)…this time.”

Amduscias: “Sorry about that. Too much meadow grass that was, it always gives me bad guts. Anyway rumour has it you’ve lost your bicycle clips. I just thought you might want to saddle me up and we can pop off for a bit of a ride. You know it’ll be the same as ‘off road’ without you having to over exercise peddling and all that. How about it?”

Satan: “No way mate, me minds made up it’s the mountain bike or nothing. I’ve come over all OCD about it now. On yer bike now, I’m not taking any chances of you having one of your little accidents.” 

Exit Amduscias; enter Focalar (fallen angel who appears as a man with griffin wings).

Focalar: “I’ve heard about the crisis. Any luck with the clips yet?”

Satan: “Not a whisper mate – and don’t keep flapping those bloody wings you’ll further inflame the fires of Hell if you keep carrying on like that. It’s just the right temperature in here at the moment and I don’t want to boil alive.”

Focalar: “Well I was just thinking if you didn’t wear your trousers it would be perfectly safe for you to go out and about on your bike?”

Satan: “It might be safe but I’d look a twat. I’ve got an image to keep up don’t you know!  Besides all me underpants are in the wash.”

Focalar: “What, you’ve gone commando today then?”

Satan: “Too true mate.  Thinking about it though maybe that’s not such a bad idea, I could wear shorts I suppose. Bollocks they’re in the wash as well…I was playing tennis with Botis (fallen angel who appears as a viper) and got a bit sweaty in them. Mind you the game was a waste of time what with him not being able to hold a racket!”

Focalar: “Who does your washing then?”

Satan: “Purah does. Give him a shout will you.”

After an extended wait Purah, still in a confused state enters.

Purah: “You called?”

Satan: “Need me underpants and me shorts. I trust you know where you put them after the wash cycle had finished?”

Purah: “Sorry Satan, it might come to me in a minute yet…oh…maybe…no, it’s gone. Sorry I just don’t know…sorry again.”

Satan: “Bollocks. Right someone get me Ornias (fallen angel who can shape-shift).”

Ornias arrives.

Satan: “Can you shape shift into a pair of bicycles clips?”

Ornias: “No problems mate.”

Satan: “Sorted!”


40 thoughts on “SATAN’S LOST BICYCLE CLIPS

    1. My thanks. This is a piece written long ago. It’s one from my book of lunacy, ‘Fanny, I Think of You Often’. Changing the subject, one of your posts actually came up on my Reader the other day. ‘Twas named ‘Corswell Pinkerton’. I was desperate to sing its praises. A truly wonderful piece of writing. Yours, The Old Fool

      1. Dear Mike, I woke the household reading this excerpt from Fanny. I have Carswell Pinkerton in my drafts. Tragically a true event. I haven’t decided on posting it yet. Thank you kindly for reading and the encouraging words.

      2. That is on the cusp of surreal. WP never notify me of your posts…and many others, as I’ve mentioned before…yet I get a draft! A very good draft I might add. In case I miss it when it is published, do please let me know.

      1. Lara…a name that would have been my daughters were it not for my first wife…your comment appeared in my ‘spam’. How terrible is that. Were it not for emails I would have missed it. Regardless, my sincere thanks…and stay away from ‘pulse’ based curry no matter the circumstances. Regards, The Old Fool

      2. Second attempt. Lara…a wonderful name that would have been my daugthers were it not for nmy first wife. It was only an email that lead me ear as your comment appeared in my WP spam. How awful? Regardless, my sincere thanks…and be sure to avoid hot curry. No good comes of it. Regards, The Old Fool

    1. Written along time ago for the my book ‘Fanny, I Think of You Often’. An assortment of lunacy. I still remember all the research I had to do for this one. I am so glad you liked it. Regards, The Old Fool

    1. That is very kind of you, Ms Khan and much appreciated. Since my return to WP I’ve not seen you on my Reader. It seems 50% of my followers don’t appear. I shall now go a check what I’ve missed.

      1. It’s good to read your work , Mike. I kind your style of satire and intellect ability to hold the reader’s attention. Hope you are well.

    1. Young Leslie, you’ll never know how much the researth for this skit drained my creativity. There are so many ‘fallen angels’ I got lost for choice. I’m an old atheist but I’m guessing there’s more angels downstairs than up. You name it, there’s a fallen angel claiming it!

      1. Better…perhaps…it be the fallen angels v the saints. The alternative being the fallen angels v the priests and given the priests take on choir boys I think I’d put my money on the fallen angels and wish them every success. I trust that doesn’t offend, young Leslie as I would not wish to do that.

  1. HA! Sounds like you were having a spot of coffee in Satan’s kitchen, my friend. I can understand why Satan wouldn’t have the unicorn in charge of laundry, but the fallen angel of forgetfulness might, just might, not be the best choice… 🙂

    1. My thanks Ms Lee. With all my lead characters they all have a part of me in them. You see I have the ability to make many wrong decisions and such poor choices make me laugh. Wouldn’t life be a drag if we got everything right all the time…or is that my excuse? Most likely the latter!

      1. Oh, it’s a bit of both, isn’t it? How boring would life be if all was perfect at all times. I’ve realized that, especially with children. The quiet, polite, and perfect ones always seem so…so unlike kids, you know? Mine may drive me to tears some days, but other days they drive me to stitch-sewing laughter. It’s worth it xxxxxxx

      2. True. To know good one needs to know bad. To know what laughter is one needs to have suffered its opposite. I believe that applies to everything. Imagine being say, in a paradise…a dream island…and never knowing the tenements in some other place were being bombed by those of evil intent. It is ‘worth it’ I couldn’t agree more.

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