Inspector Lestrade: “Good God Watson, the pair of you took your bloody time getting here. You only live around the sodding corner. What kept you so long?”

Dr Watson: “The reason for our ‘brief’ delay I’ll have you know was that Holmes insisted he finish The Times crossword puzzle whilst sat in the little boy’s room waiting for a number two to exit the departure lounge. The poor chap was smoking away on his trademark extra-long Cherrywood pipe at the time. It got that smoky in such a confined space that he couldn’t locate the loo roll, then there was the kerfuffle with the locked door. He’s not been his usual self lately. Nevertheless, here we are. What pray have you got in store for us this day, Inspector Lestrade?”

Inspector Lestrade: “If you had any common-sense and used your eyes you’d see right there in front of you is a mutilated corpse. You dear Watson, will hopefully confirm the cause of death. In this instance even a dullard, pitiful quack like you might sign this off as a murder and be on your way.”

Dr Watson: “Don’t be so beastly, Inspector Lestrade. You’re always beastly to me…Sherlock, isn’t that the truth?”

Sherlock Holmes: “Fuck knows.”

Dr Watson: “The fact is Lestrade, that the entirely naked bloodied, disfigured corpse is that of none other than my old chum, Lord Etchington…who, I might add has never ever, ever, ever been beastly toward me. That said, you advise the poor chap was found here in his study by the recently pregnant, buxom, maidservant by the name of Alison who has been working out the last few days of her employment since being given her marching orders? I note that his hands and feet have been brutally severed and thereafter thrown from the window onto the courtyard below where the family Dobermans spotted them and have since been noshing away like billyo. Additionally, I observe 74 deep stab wounds about his torso and groin. Stuffed between his buttocks is the calling card of a female named Alison…what a strange coincidence she has the exact same name as the maid, still never mind, it’s just one of those things…with a note penned thereon which reads, ‘I DID IT.’  Given that a note was left I am of the strong opinion that the demise of Etchington must…simply must…have been a suicide? After all, a penned note left behind is somewhat stereotypical in matters where one has taken one’s own life. There, the issue at hand…well not so much ‘hand’ more a ‘torso’…has been resolved.”

Inspector Lestrade: “God give me strength. You’re about as much use as a eunuch in brothel, Watson. In short you’re a complete twat of the first order of twats.”

Dr Watson: “Sherlock, he’s doing it again. Tell him not to be so beastly. Tell him what you think…please Sherlock, please express what you think of my professional analysis.”

Sherlock Holmes: “Fucked if I know.”

blue eyed cat front cover

Herewith the ‘Blurb’ for my new book, a fictional story entitled ‘The Blue-Eyed Cat’;
‘A book of mind boggling time-travel, feverish sex, syrupy romance, ho hum history, a dark future, The Moon, Constantinople, Paris and Berlin, human consciousness, infinity, a tongue in cheek take on all things carnal, art for art’s sake and three thoroughly mad yet oh so delightful gals’

Should it take your fancy it can be found at;
I am not entirely sure of other Amazon global links and thus I apologize for not revealing them here. However, were you interest in this book a search on local Amazon using my name should suffice.


    1. I thought it about time I gave Watson another outing. Certainly the old Holmes tales were better told my this pairing, yet why, oh why do these top notchfictional detectives have an idiot as the preferred chum? Poirot is much the same in that regard…in fact I’d like to see Hasting and Watson work together. That would make fine comedy methinks.

      1. I’ve never read the books I have to confess. Aside from Nesbo I’ve never really gone for the crime genre. Shirl is an avid reader of crime and what she says is exactly what you’ve just said. What I can say is that those ‘old, old’ movies are always worth watching. I know it’s a different genre, more mystery/romance yet we watched Casablanca for the umpteenth time the other night and, to this day, is in my top three favourite films ever.

    1. My dear wife often says ‘Absurd’ is my middle name, although personally I’d take it as a first forename…’Absurd Steeden’ has a certain fell about it! My thanks, The Old Fool

    1. I thought the old boy needed another outing after all this time…you see. You’re back in the WP game. I recall you liked these, so this one is for you, young Rachel.

  1. Fantastic satire Mike. Watson the analytical fool and Holmes the irreverent Rock star detective. The title is misleading, which is extremely clever on your part.

    1. Why is it, in film and TV recreations of murder/mystery fiction that hugely intelligent detectives have, as a chum and assistant, a fuckwit? The concept leaves me baffled, hence this skit.

    1. He is the perfect character for template writing. I’ve done a number of these and am yet to tire of the fool…perhaps I see a little of myself within him!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.