EXTRA! Local Book in Reduced Price Horror

It was last autumn I recall, me sat proud upon a bench in Richmond Park. On my lap a manuscript. Not just any old manuscript, oh no. You see for several decades I’d been on a journey like no other, devoting my life to researching then penning my fantastic tome, ‘The Back Passages of Tokyo & Thornton Heath’…a masterpiece that publishers would, no doubt, bite my hand off to get hold of. Then, of course, a salivating Hollywood would soon be begging me for the film rights. All was good in my world.
Then an event that would leave me broken hearted. You see, as I was wallowing in my glory, a chap introducing himself as Pastor Daniel Soz sat down at my side asking, “What you got there, son?”
“A work of art in written form that will trump even Enid Blyton at her best…a book that will change the world.”
At that Pastor Soz thumbed through the manuscript at some rate of pace, soon to announce, “It’s a load of shit, that is, son. 40 years to knock this out? You’ve wasted your time, mate.”
With me bereft and close to tears, Pastor Soz went on to add, “Cop a look at this little beauty, matey boy. Now this here is what you call a proper book, unlike your pitiable load of tripe.”
The truth of it was that the Pastor was dead right. His book, ‘The Whitechapel Whelk’, a work of outstanding artistry, skill and satirical expertise that I could never match, so much so I purchased a copy for a mere £500, cheap at half the price.
My self-esteem shattered, I gave up writing once and for all. The genius of Pastor Soz, one I would never match.

The Whitechapel Whelk

ted threesomeTed Threesome. Just one of the unsavoury individuals you will encounter in this torrent of  satirical effluent.

In what the Metropolitan Police have described as ‘an act of heartless profiteering’, and, ‘a diabolical liberty’, an anthology of satire and hair-brained tripe has reduced its price by an unbelievable 50 per cent on the Amazon Kindle website.

The book, which sold more than ten copies in the United Kingdom and one in New Zealand (thanks dad), is believed to have ruthlessly slashed its own price under cover of darkness in a bid to exploit vulnerable self-isolators who are so sick of staring at the walls or each other that they will try anything to bring even the tiniest glimmer of diversion into their pent-up terror and angst-replete lives.

A spokesman for the book, Danny Soz from Whitechapel in East London, told Reuters news agency last night: “Sales had dried up a…

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10 thoughts on “EXTRA! Local Book in Reduced Price Horror

  1. Haha Made me laugh out loud did that one Mike.
    A quite remarkable feat given that I was struck by a speeding taxi in Bow Road not half an hour ago and was killed almost instantly.
    Say what you like about us Cockneys but there’s an indomitable, never-say-die spirit that runs through us like the lettering in a stick of Southend rock.
    Thanks for the plug and the chuckle, old friend (especially the plug). Much appreciated 🙂

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