THE GENISIS OF TWO SHORT PLANKS

GODDESS8

When valued time began: In the beginning belching volcanos were run of the mill, exceptionally large, boiling puddles dotted all over the place counted the days until their purpose revealed itself and, importantly, there was nought to kiss and cuddle. Perhaps worst of all, a comprehensive lack of consciousness for without it nothing existed. She knew she had missed a trick, yet for dear life could not fathom how to remedy the problematic situation she found herself in. Then her eureka moment. A plate of raw oysters and one too many pints of golden pilsner later she came up with the idea of humans with functional brains. Something better than the average anthropoids was the order of the day. Given her immortal status wasn’t for sharing, she determined these things she’d named ‘humans’ would be mere mortals.

Design one: The females of the species. “Elementary, dear Goddess,” words spoken to just self. She simply modelled them on herself. After all she well knew she was an absolute stunner. The end result, the creation of the female. Thoroughly gratified with her blueprint she set about her task. When brought to fruition all she could say was, “My girls are nothing short of sublime works of erotic art, if I say so myself.”

Initially males of the species had not crossed her mind. ‘Twas only when she came to understand she’d overlooked the fact that mortal beings were subject to death, as opposed to a divine being, she mouthed the first ever swear word the cosmos had ever heard, “Bollocks…gosh, I may well find a use for that word one day.” It was thus that ‘needs must when the Goddess drives’ made sure the invention of testosterone enhanced masculinity arrived on the scene. Some years on she was quoted as saying, “Males were a rush job. I simply wanted to get the show on the road as it were. Thick as two short planks, they were only meant to be underlings available for breeding, nothing more. Plainly, I did not model them on myself. Upon reflection the males rank as perhaps my one and only failure.” 

There you have it dear reader, the birth of a species privileged to be gifted knowledge of their existence. Impressive, I say!

~

Some epochs later: It was all very well that she had supreme, limitless power devoid of physical limitations, yet what use was that when one had not a soul to share it with. Yes, it was vaguely useful to have blessed herself with an all-seeing eye with which to gaze out over the globe and thus be able to see all there was to see, then again, ‘seen it, been there, done it’ can get one’s spirits down eventually. Furthermore, her all-knowing awareness of past, present and future, a handy, sometimes convenient gift to self, yet by default it meant no surprises even on her birthday…and she so loved birthdays. But ‘knowing all there was to know’ was, as she so eloquently put it, was, “A complete fucking nuisance,” to a gal Goddess, named Allura, addicted to placing bets on horses leaping over jumps and such like. Natural jealousy made sure her constant sweeping of the board had its drawbacks when it came to making and retaining friendships. She had no bosom pal, just an array of fuckwit sisters, all Goddesses in their own right, although without equivalent tenacity…in short, the three ‘O’s of omnipotence, omniscience and omnipresence were just words to them. ‘Tis a known fact that they…none of them…could even spell, let alone apprehend.

However, if she had one regret above all others it was that of creating the male of the human species with an arguably functional brain and a muscularity that eclipsed that of the female. A grave error of judgment on her part and one she has not once denied. Moreover, she had lost the will to keep an eye on events unfolding on Earth, another error of judgment in hindsight. Her sister’s would, when they remembered, pass on snippets of news, nothing more. You see an aeon ago she had taken herself off, out of the universe, into the multiverse in order to seek solace in the arms of a pliable hermaphrodite in mortal form although in reality an analogous creature far removed from earthly genus Homo. In exchange for payment by way of regularly gifted packets of ‘ready-salted iron-eating microbes,’ an aphrodisiac of sorts, he or she…Goddess Allure never could quite tell notwithstanding the fact she herself had designed the creature…afforded her unique, distinctly desirable, sexual services. It was only when a letter arrived by inter-planetary boomerang from one of her sister Goddesses…the one who wrote passable English, yet hopeless when it came to Latin…that read;

Dear Allure,
Just a swift note dear sis. I thought it only right to let you know that here on Earth there’s been a bit of palaver, well an out and out war if the truth be told, whereby the macho presidents of all the big nations have seen it fit to have a bundle like no other. I think someone mentioned China, America or was it Timbuktu, I really can’t remember…you know what a scatterbrain I am. Whatever, lots of bloodshed and nasty ginormous bomb like things…I’m not quite sure of their actual name. I think we need you back here as I haven’t a clue what to do about this to do. What I am aware of is that those human beings left alive rather fancy having you back here to kick off your original deity having given up those hoax Gods you left behind…especially the girlies who say ‘enough is enough’ but I’m not quite sure what they mean.
Anyway, the other thing…and you’re going to love this…here on Earth we now have things called iPhones and iPads. You can search for anything you want with these little beauties, answer all your question, plus you can take snaps, selfies as well, have a chat…face to face anywhere in the world on screen if you want to…with anyone you want and lots, lots more. You’ll never have to be all-knowing again…I know it gave you headaches and got on your tits.  Oh do return, Allure. The men of this planet have fucked up big time.
All my love, Nut the Sky Goddess

~

Postscript: Although not ever verified, rumour born of a reliable source has it that upon notice of the existence of Apple Inc., Goddess Allure took off to the third planet from the Sun quicker than a brides panties on her wedding night. Furthermore, there is strong evidence that upon her arrival, she uttered the words, “No way I’ll let the overfed, egotistic, bastard blokes off this time like last time and the time before and the time before that and so on. I’ve had it with the lot of them. Time to put my foot down. I’ve been chain smoking and knocking back the bubbly ever since I got news of their latest cock up…it’s ruining my well-being. I’m done with them, that’s for sure…oh, get me one of those iPhones, NOW you cretin.” As to who exactly said ‘cretin’ was, one cannot be sure, although the word on the street is that it was sister Nut the Sky Goddess. Who knows? It matters not.

blue eyed cat full print cover

Herewith the inevitable ‘Blurb’ for my latest book, a fictional story entitled ‘The Blue-Eyed Cat’;
‘A book of mind boggling time-travel, feverish sex, syrupy romance, ho hum history, a dark future, The Moon, Constantinople, Paris and Berlin, human consciousness, infinity, a tongue in cheek take on all things carnal, art for art’s sake and three thoroughly mad yet oh so delightful gals’
Should it take your fancy it can be found at;
Amazon UK link: THE BLUE-EYED CAT – PAPERBACK
Kindle UK link: KINDLE EDITION
Amazon US link: THE BLUE-EYED CAT – PAPERBACK
Kindle US link: KINDLE EDITION
I am not entirely sure of other Amazon global links and thus I apologize for not revealing them here.

 


36 thoughts on “THE GENISIS OF TWO SHORT PLANKS

    1. My thanks, Ms S. I am rather taking to The Goddess and her extraordinary ways. All week I’ve been trying to get the same feeling for ‘the last male human on Earth’ yet presently I can’t for the life of me get into his skin and mind. I’ve nailed a sweet, wee fallen punk angel aiming to be the latter day Lucifer. Such fun, but nothing works unless the poor innocent bloke does. Such is life. Regards, The Old Fool

      1. You WILL get into his skin. Sometimes a wee thought occurs, a catchphrase whatever and that’s all you need. But if you’ve nailed others that is still something. Some days just work better than others.

    1. That’s kind of you, Syd. I enjoy knocking out these satirical pieces. I think this one maybe needed a little more ‘in your face’ humour. I’m rather liking The Goddess. How is the virus going in your neck of the woods? A certain tedium inflicts us over here. A lack of clarity as to ‘what next’ and the game is getting a tad political…the last thing anyone needs…that I find insulting.

      1. Being the largest city in Kentucky we have had a lot of cases, I think a couple thousand and about a hundred deaths, but don’t quote me on that. Our governor has done an excellent job, so our numbers are much lower than Indiana or Tennessee, but we are suffering the same restlessness now, and it is being politicized terribly. I wish all the MAGAts would get together in one place, take their masks off, french kiss each other and die.

      2. An eloquent last sentence I wholly agree with. Politicians should not be out there scoring points rather than detailing a well thought out plan to Joe Public. Not a lot to ask. Ever since UK racist morons stole my European identity I’ve lost all hope and what little trust I had with a dubious set of self-interested, overtly drifting to the far right in this land that dares to call itself ‘Great’ Britain, politicians. For the life of me someone tell me when that was. On the back of that the political virus tells me another land is where I should be living. What irks is that even I…a glorified waste of space…could do a better job than they are.

    1. My thanks, Liz. There’s a fare chance a swift miracle might well resolve the virus issue, yet along the way I suspect The Goddess would have more than just words to say to both Trump and Boris…at least I’d hope so. Regards, The Old Fool

  1. (Read the last comment)
    trump and boris aren’t the only “bol-lol-ocks” flushing the world’s peasants down the toilet for their own personal gain. There’s that guy in brazil now…. uch… and putrid. Oops I meant pukin.
    Okay, boris got sick. Big deal! He effed up the deal!

    Anyway, don’t get me going.

    This is one very funny story. I love it TOF!

    I thought maybe Allure was coming back to give us all Covid. That would get rid of us all, once and for all. Then she could start all over again, with the benefits of 20/20 hindsight!
    No grave errors!

    1. For some brilliantly obscure reason, reading this comment of yours has given me the title of Allure’s book…should it ever become one…’The Goddess Who Smokes Only Roll-Ups’. Also, as you rightly mentioned there are so many evil politicians in high places who are loathsome, presently. I often wonder if Trump represents evolution of man gone AWOL. I think Allure would kill him for no other reason than his hair.

      1. Love the way I obscurely inspire you from time to time!
        trump does not deserve a capital “t”.
        His hair…. that comb over on steroids? Why it should have a wall built around it!
        OR, as the mayor of Seattle said: Keep us all safe. Go back to your bunker!

        Okay, now I go to Zoolon!

      2. It is like Top Cat is dead and an enthused Benny the Ball has taken control. Sadly Benny the Ball had a white face plus a new found ego. Regards, TOF

  2. Great stuff, Mike. Your inspiration knows no bounds. At least we now understand the root cause of all this bollocks! The root cause of bollocks is the bollocks!

    Michael

    1. Walking into the tree branch came as a massive suprise. Did you see the photos re the state I was in? Whatever, a strange one is this. I’d penned a few tongue in cheek skits on The Goddess and was given to perhaps pen a book about her. Then this big issue. The more I wrote the more I came to despice her. A lost cause. Better to fall for a character than to end up hating them, I say. The Old Fool

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