West London Brexiter shoots wife following bent banana let-down.

I note I’ve been mentioned in despatches. The Whitechapel Whelk, an online rag tell of my pitiful downfall. What can I say other than, ‘fame at last’. Those special few who can create worthy satire at the drop of a hat are few and far between. They have my respect, and importantly…yes, satire is very important when it rips the **** out of the stupidity of politics and politicians…satire doesn’t come much better than of the ‘Whelk’. A fine post, Lionel, you fairly cheered me up on a freezing day.
To those outside of the UK who may not be aware of the ‘bendy banana issue’ it was, a few years back, the ‘right wing’ Brexit types who put out a false claim that the EU were going to ban said ‘bendy bananas’. Although a lie, many millions of the gullible populous fell for it. Super stuff, Lionel.
I should add, in case the Brexit brigade see fit to ensure my knighthood, that I am an old socialist and loath…with a vengeance…all things ‘right of centre’, their undisguised racism in particular. Read on;

The Whitechapel Whelk

nanaA 97-year-old man from Kentish Town in West London was being held in police custody last night after he blasted his 101-year-old wife in the chest with a shotgun in a fit of rage after discovering that post-Brexit bananas were still curved and not straight as had been promised in pro-Brexit newspapers like The Daily Mail and The Telegraph.

Michael Steeden, a retired boating lake attendant, was held by police at his home in Chalk Farm Avenue after neighbours reported two loud gunshots.

Officers broke into the property and found Steeden sitting on the stairs with the shotgun across his knees and a banana in his hands which he appeared to be trying to straighten with a copper and hide mallet according to an eye witness.

His wife of eighty-two years, Shirley, was found in the kitchen clinging to the sink with gunshot wounds to the chest.

The injured woman…

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34 thoughts on “West London Brexiter shoots wife following bent banana let-down.

  1. Yes, I thought this one might bring a fleeting grin to your wizened dial. We dirty commie types have to stick together, old boy. Quick word of advice to Shirley vis-a-vis the old gunshot wounds. My advice to her is precisely the same as I give to all females with chest injuries and that is to let the air get to it…while I watch!
    Thanks for the reblog btw. Since I fell out with the respective editors of three online magazines I need all the readership I can get!

    1. A fine point you make. The only thing is, in all my days I’ve yet to scoff or even see a straight banana. Are they the neanderthal equivalent of bananas, I ask myself. I trust your New Year will be c’est magnific.

  2. My kindest thanks for the *The Whitechapel Whelk* piece, Mike. Suspension of disbelief is maintained from the first paragraph, a single sentence, to the final word.

    “I am an old socialist and loath…with a vengeance…all things ‘right of centre’, their undisguised racism in particular.”

    Something that we share with long conviction. I haven’t produced a blog entry in some months, you inspire me to stir embers in the belly.

    Greetes and kind thoughts to Shirley and to George!

    1. Cheers, Bill. I hadn’t written a blog since the old King died…or at least that’s how it felt. I’ve been, still am, a tad ill. There is a possibility blogging might take my mind off the subject, hence here I am. One thing is for certain, ill or not, I have and will to the day I drop defend the cause of the abused and back the best I can in my small way to see true justice, as opposed to political justice, done. An analogy of sorts. Some years back I spotted the missus chatting with two cats…said cats were usually at each other’s throats…in her garden. One black and one white. The thing was we saw just two cats. Their respective colouring irrelevant. When we see human beings together, be they black or white we see them as regular Homo sapiens. How so, so many whites only see and hate others of a different colour or persuasion I’ll never understand. You and yours have a splendid New Year, Sir.

      1. Cheers back, Mike. You had indeed inspired me to stir some belly embers and to convert a handful of mossy logs into my first blog kindling since October last. Kindest thanks for encouraging words.
        We coexist with two cats from the same litter who differ in most ways, but their disputes are brief and peace then reigns. Chatting with cats is one of my principal hobbies. They treat me condescendingly and project no hate at my otherhood. 🙂
        We wish *you and yours* good moments in this New Year as well, Sir.

    1. ‘Tis but a satire written by a good chum of mine, likening me…me, an old socialist…to the nasty ‘right’ wing prior to this awful ‘Brexit’. My thanks that you took time out to read. Regards, The Old Fool

    1. My thanks, Cynthia. I am so pleased you’ve not marked me down as a lost cause. I’ve been a tad on the ill side of life these last 11 months so you can imagine your, ‘seems a bit early to me’ is a medicine in itself. May 2021 be your finest year. Regards, The Old Fool

  3. FUNNY!!!
    I went over and read all of it, and several more posts. I’ve been following the blog for years, but forgot!
    Thanks for the memories!

  4. People are so gullible it is ridiculous. A couple of years ago I followed a blog, now closed. Poor blogger had an African son in law whom he did like, but still voted for Brexit! And look at that Mike Steeden! Where are we all heading?

    1. You are a wise lady, Inese. The ‘African boy’ story defines the word ‘contradiction’. I think I was 5 years old, perhaps 6…I can’t recall exactly. However, I was on holiday on The Isle of White. Wondering hither and yon across the island I kept spotting signs on the doors of small hotels and guest houses that read, ‘No blacks/no Irish’. I asked my dad what that was all about. He answered ‘racists’, and went on to explain what that word meant. I’ve been at odds with said racists ever since. Come Brexit my concerns quadrupled. 9 out of 10 Brexiteers voted that way because, ‘We don’t want them over hear’…in essence, they meant Bulgarians, Romanians etc. For Brexit, I read ‘racist’. It has cost me dear, Inese. My yearlong stress related IBS…following on the back of many a heated argument, some with those who were once friends and who I considered family, the cause of my malady. The thing is, would I have had it any other way; would I give up the constant flaring of the gut by simply accepting racism? ‘Tis a thing I could never do. If IBS is to be my eternal curse, than let it be so. I can’t give in. My sincere apologies if I’ve rambled on too much.

      1. Oh Mike, I am so sorry you got a physical ailment as a result… Leave them alone. People hear only what they can understand. Narrow-minded people voted, won, and now believe, in their naivety, that the government is doing something to support their vote and benefit their little lives. In fact, any government and any politician do whatever the money dictates. Follow the money.

  5. How did I miss this!?!?! I am clearly subscribed to the wrong news publications. Oh Master Steeden, it is always wonderful to hear of you and from you! I hope you and your family are surviving, sensational newsbreaks aside, lol. xxxxx

    1. Surviving we are young Ms Lee. Bored senseless we also are. Humour was always my fallback position yet there’s not much laughter to be had…well, the demise of evil Trump was a positive, at least. I find myself cursed with the stress related IBS and…perhaps humorous thinking about it…of late, since my corona vaccination, I manged to have ‘gained’ every single side effect, from seriously painful joints all the way down to a tiredness like nothing I’ve ever experienced previously. 10 days of torture and a second vaccination awaiting me! C’est la vie. More importantly, I trust you and your family are well and happy. Regards, The Damaged Old Fool

      1. Well that’s a bugger about the vaccine. Yes, we’re healthy and whole in Wisconsin, and quite muddy, too–our snow’s all pissing away from us. Perhaps you need a Fawlty Towers marathon to throw some laughter into the day? The family had the 3 Stooges on the other day, and no matter how sad and/or grumpy the child, they wind up rolling upon the floor with laughter while Curly fights a rich woman’s plumbing. Prayers for better days for you and your family, Master Steeden xxxxxxxxxx

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