“Well you know what they say Lenny boy, ‘There’s no such thing as a silent plumbing system,’ yet yours was banging away like a Soho brothel on a Saturday night if I may say so. I’m surprised you could get any bo-peep. Still, it's all sorted now I've installed a handy anti-siphon trap.” “Yeah I invented that!” “What an anti-siphon trap? Well bugger me I never knew that was one of yours. You certainly are a clever bastard on the old invention front Lenny. By the way did you spot me new van outside? Lovely job...it’s even got a built in Satnav system. I’m as pleased as punch with it.” “Yeah I invented that as well.” “Christ, is there nothing you haven’t invented Len?” “Not a lot, although sadly I cannot take credit for the original wheel, although I did invent the alloy wheel. Anyhow how’s life with you Jonny?” “Business is running smoothly what with all you artists having plumbing problems and I seem to have cornered this niche market thanks to you. I mean if you hadn’t invented plumbing and put me up for the gig I’d probably be sweeping the bloody roads.” “Don’t thank me Jonny your customer service is second to none mate.” “Talking of art I hear on the grapevine you’ve knocked out a new painting. May I take a gander?” “No probs Jonny…come over here and cop a butchers at this little beauty. I’ve named her Columbine but I’m fucked if I can remember the name of the bird who modelled for it if the truth be told. I met her down the fish and chip shop after closing time at the boozer and, pissed as a rat as I was, she seemed half-decent and a good sort. Watcha think?” “Well it’s certainly different…I mean unlike your recent efforts this one’s kept her kit on...well save for the one first rate Bristol on display. Personally I like it when the birds are totally in the raw mate. This girl hasn't got me juices flowing yet. I don't feel that all-important firming happening within me crucial parts. Still if you like her that way that’s all that matters.” “Cheers Jonny. For this painting...by the way I invented paint, brushes, canvas and frames...I was going for the erotic more than the obvious in a ‘renaissancey’ sort of way...oh, I think I’ve just invented a new adjective there. Is there no end to my talents? Whatever with just the one knocker on display the effect is to get the viewer tantalised and wanting more.” “Oh I get you now...tell you what, you should get the bird back and paint ‘Columbine in the naughty naked nude'. That has to be the logical conclusion. That way she’d be starker’s and it would make a fine companion to this painting. Well that’s my opinion anyway.” “I was actually thinking along the same lines yet forgot to take her mobile number...even though I invented the bloody mobile and the landline as well Anyhow, sadly that means I’ve lost contact with her.” “Such is life…still I’ve got to be getting along as old Rembrandt’s water works are playing him up and the bonus is he’s got a model in his studio for a nude painting even as I talk so I’d better get round there sharpish so as not to miss any of what I call the ‘still life' action.” “I understand mate yet do bear in mind that the girl Rembrandt's painting is I understand a bit on the chubby side and may not be to your voyeuristic taste.” “Thanks for the heads up...so to speak...but do I look like I care, Lenny boy? There's not a single girl in the entire universe that isn't beautiful to me, mate.” “You know what, you’re a living legend Jonny.”
This Jonny Catapault piece is one of many insane skits from my book ‘Fanny I Think of You Often…and Other Tales of Abject Lunacy’. Said book is available from Amazonon KindleUnlimited, Kindle and Paperback for those seeking a laugh or two over Christmas.
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