“Well you know what they say Lenny boy, ‘There’s no such thing as a silent plumbing system,’ yet yours was banging away like a Soho brothel on a Saturday night if I may say so. I’m surprised you could get any bo-peep. Still, it's all sorted now I've installed a handy anti-siphon trap.”

“Yeah I invented that!”

“What an anti-siphon trap? Well bugger me I never knew that was one of yours. You certainly are a clever bastard on the old invention front Lenny. By the way did you spot me new van outside? Lovely’s even got a built in Satnav system. I’m as pleased as punch with it.”

“Yeah I invented that as well.”

“Christ, is there nothing you haven’t invented Len?”

“Not a lot, although sadly I cannot take credit for the original wheel, although I did invent the alloy wheel.  Anyhow how’s life with you Jonny?”

“Business is running smoothly what with all you artists having plumbing problems and I seem to have cornered this niche market thanks to you. I mean if you hadn’t invented plumbing and put me up for the gig I’d probably be sweeping the bloody roads.”

“Don’t thank me Jonny your customer service is second to none mate.”

“Talking of art I hear on the grapevine you’ve knocked out a new painting. May I take a gander?”

“No probs Jonny…come over here and cop a butchers at this little beauty. I’ve named her Columbine but I’m fucked if I can remember the name of the bird who modelled for it if the truth be told.  I met her down the fish and chip shop after closing time at the boozer and, pissed as a rat as I was, she seemed half-decent and a good sort. Watcha think?”

“Well it’s certainly different…I mean unlike your recent efforts this one’s kept her kit on...well save for the one first rate Bristol on display. Personally I like it when the birds are totally in the raw mate. This girl hasn't got me juices flowing yet. I don't feel that all-important firming happening within me crucial parts. Still if you like her that way that’s all that matters.”

“Cheers Jonny. For this the way I invented paint, brushes, canvas and frames...I was going for the erotic more than the obvious in a ‘renaissancey’ sort of way...oh, I think I’ve just invented a new adjective there. Is there no end to my talents? Whatever with just the one knocker on display the effect is to get the viewer tantalised and wanting more.”

“Oh I get you now...tell you what, you should get the bird back and paint ‘Columbine in the naughty naked nude'. That has to be the logical conclusion. That way she’d be starker’s and it would make a fine companion to this painting. Well that’s my opinion anyway.”

“I was actually thinking along the same lines yet forgot to take her mobile number...even though I invented the bloody mobile and the landline as well Anyhow, sadly that means I’ve lost contact with her.”

“Such is life…still I’ve got to be getting along as old Rembrandt’s water works are playing him up and the bonus is he’s got a model in his studio for a nude painting even as I talk so I’d better get round there sharpish so as not to miss any of what I call the ‘still life' action.”

“I understand mate yet do bear in mind that the girl Rembrandt's painting is I understand a bit on the chubby side and may not be to your voyeuristic taste.”

“Thanks for the heads to speak...but do I look like I care, Lenny boy? There's not a single girl in the entire universe that isn't beautiful to me, mate.” 

“You know what, you’re a living legend Jonny.”

This Jonny Catapault piece is one of many insane skits from my book ‘Fanny I Think of You Often…and Other Tales of Abject Lunacy’. Said book is available from Amazonon KindleUnlimited, Kindle and Paperback for those seeking a laugh or two over Christmas.

Should any of my other books take your fancy, then if you ‘click’ the appropriate book’s front cover to the right of this page, then it’ll take you direct into Amazon where both print and Kindle options are available.   

Copyright © 2014-2021. All rights reserved. Unauthorised copying, reproduction, hiring, and lending, prohibited although in a crisis I’ve no issue with any reader using the pages of said book as emergency’s loo roll.


  1. A lovely piece of erotic renaissancey. I do hope L can get the mobile number for this subject. Your book is going to make some folks in need of a good laugh happy as larks this Christmas. Yours truly, Holly

    1. Jolly dee young Ms S. Life is complicated hence Jonny is holding the fort while Mayday’s done and dusted tale has the poor girl so worried that she can be found sipping wine and stuffing olives somewhere east of Dover, begging to be read while I freeze in England’s rather unpleasant winter. Regards, The Old Fool

      1. The ‘25% off’ in Tesco’s for some tasty reds will me on the menu any time now, Ms S. We’ve just got back from giving Rosie the gypsy lurcher her first run since her spaying 2 weeks ago and boy did she take a run. We froze at the beach but it was worth it to see the little monster happy again. All I’ve got to do now is collect the car from the garage at 3pm when hailstones are promised…deep joy (not).

  2. TOF,
    Chuckling, big time!
    Could you please send Johnny around?
    My water pressure is low.
    I’ve got paint and paint brush issues.
    I have a square wheel that does nothing!
    He must have invented my stove. Could he please invent an easy way to clean it?
    So, I’m in the nude. He might want to wear those sunglasses he invented.

    1. When, back in the day, I invented Jonny I found myself turning him into not just a ridiculous plumber but also an honest chap who, believe it or not, was also respectful of gals be they young, old or in-between. I must have written a dozen or so of Jonny skits and in many of them he finds he has to give the artists a right telling off over their attitude toward their models. He’s a jolly good chap who…given that you yourself are an artist…will amend your water pressure and, from what you have said, enjoy your company immensely. I should add he rather likes a couple of biscuits with his cup of tea. Regards, TOF

  3. I’m sure I have met Jonny. If not him, then someone very much like him. I recall him asking if I had any nude pictures of my wife. He was putting a new three-way valve on the central heating boiler, come to think of it.
    Best wishes, Pete.

    1. That would have been Jonny for sure, Pete. He’s got a heart of gold and a mind like any other bloke, only Jonny makes it known far and wide. My missus has just reminded me to post his visit to Tracey Emin’s house. It’s her favourite skit. Thanks for reading, Mike

    1. Ah, the old Jonny Catapault skits. Such fun to pen. An astute idiot is Jonny…a good chap, for sure. He does love the ladies, yet in many of those skits I wrote he finds he has to support the gals if any of the famous artists are unpleasent in any way…an odd way of writing humour, but it seems to work. Jonny is their champion…the way it should be.

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