Above, the one-eyed girl before the accident. Artist unknown. The one-eyed girl of almost fatal disasters had spent the entire morning wondering why blokes…for the main part…prefer revolvers and rifles over the humble hand-grenade. By lunchtime, she’d given up pondering, saying to herself, “What do I know,” for the time had come for scoffing yesterday’s … More HARRY AND HIS GIRLS
Above, dear Hélène at work Amélie was a good sortat least I thought so until that daythe old cow locked me in the cellarof her Parisian bordello and threw the key away My crime? I didn’t cough upthe fee after the eventa caddish trick I realize nowyet my francs I’d long since spent spent them … More SHE LOCKED ME IN THE CELLAR!
MAURICE COLLARUPPRIVATE INVESTIGATOR & PROCESS SERVERBACKLIT HOUSESHADOW LANESOHOLONDON Dearest Fanny, I think of you often. Even now with the passage of time your image stays with me…as fresh as a daisy in springtime. Do you remember when we took that camel train across The Sahara desert? Week upon week without shadow; the harsh unforgiving midday … More FANNY, I THINK OF YOU OFTEN
A GONDOLIER, A STARLIT NIGHT Conjure me a social leperConjure me an ice cold beerConjure me a starlit nightAnd perhaps a romantic gondolier Venice, it was VeniceWhere my sanity was lostFell in love with an actressWith a heart as cold as frost Blanche the name she went bySo sweet when I had moneySo cruel when … More A GONDOLIER; A STARLIT NIGHT
A BUNDLE OF TRUE LOVERS You always walked the high wire, without a safety netyou were both brave and foolish, yet now I’m cursed never to forgetthat day you turned on a sixpence, that awful day you let me straythen stole a pistol from your father’s study and blew your brains away The day they … More A BUNDLE OF TRUE LOVERS
ETCHINGTON’S DEMISE Inspector Lestrade: “Good God Watson, the pair of you took your bloody time getting here. You only live around the sodding corner. What kept you so long?” Dr Watson: “The reason for our ‘brief’ delay I’ll have you know was that Holmes insisted he finish The Times crossword puzzle whilst sat in the … More SHERLOCK HOLMES SUFFERS DETECTIVE’S BLOCK
An extract from the autobiography of the much fabled Twattersley Fromage MBE, TP, UFC, WNKR of the First Order & Jolly Decent Chap My quest a simple yet illustrious one that would herald the dawn of a new heroic age of exploration. At the behest of none other than Her Majesty herself I had willingly … More A WOMAN IN LOVE HAS NO NEED OF A THERMAL VEST
A Photo Salvador Dalí kindly took of Shirley & I at our favourite Parisian Café back in ’24 It is June 1924 in the magical period of the ‘Années folles’. We are in The City of Love. Paris by any other name. Moreover, we are young and devoted to one another. Overnight, spring has turned … More SCOTT FITZGERALD’S PENIS
Always I have hugged trees. Even as a small child I hugged them…all varieties mind…for there is nothing like communing with nature in my book. In point of fact nothing can match the feeling of bare skin on bark…the silver birch especially. My parents thought me most odd. Pater would often say to me, ‘Jessica, … More THE SAD DEMISE OF JESSICA DOWNLOW – THE TREE HUGGING SUICIDAL POET
“Crumbs Juniper there’s a God awful pong about the lounge this morning. I’m guessing you’ve been on the pulses once more, my love?” “Yes Denzel darling I did venture toward the curried red lentil savouries at Marigold’s little soirée in aid of the impoverished harvesters of the organically grown damsons of Cumbria last evening. Rather … More JUNIPER CHERRY-BLOSSOM – THE PULSE EATING VEGAN
- MIKE STEEDEN - 