THE ELASTIC SNAPPED

WARNING: This book may contain traces of nuts (not of the edible kind) and may also cause drowsiness amongst those unfamiliar with the English language. Bibliophobia sufferers may experience severe panic attacks.  Additionally, it is strongly recommended that you do not drive whilst reading. INGREDIENTS: Lunacy, stupidity, silliness, idiocy, absurdity, aberration, eccentricity and fragments of … More THE ELASTIC SNAPPED

NEWS OF BREXIT ISSUES REACHES THE FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON

“I say Carruthers, I’ve heard tell Jacob is racist. What pray do you make of that my friend?” “Who the bleddy hell is Jay Cobb when he’s at home?” “I think you got the wrong end of the stick old chum, it’s Jacob Rees-Mogg who’s racist.” “Good Lord, so Rees-Mogg is aka Ray Cyst. Doesn’t … More NEWS OF BREXIT ISSUES REACHES THE FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON

DAVID BOWIE SUFFERS FROM LYRIST’S BLOCK

It’s late 1960’s and at No. 22 Clareville Grove, South Kensington, West London a frustrated David Bowie, in the company of his then young lover, budding actress Hermione Farthingale, is at his wits end struggling to complete the lyric for his new song, ‘Life on Mars’. “What’s the problem Daveypoops? You’ve a face like Andy … More DAVID BOWIE SUFFERS FROM LYRIST’S BLOCK

LENNY NOGGINS – LUNATIC ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT!

“What’s your poison today Lenny?” “Well today landlord I shall be quaffing the drinking man’s ‘light and bitter’ namely that brew that is better known as a ‘Ram and Special.’ A 5 per cent alcohol cocktail of bottle and barrel that constitutes the master brewer’s art at its very finest.” “Right here’s your beer. By … More LENNY NOGGINS – LUNATIC ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT!

JONNY CATAPULT – THE PLUMBER THE ROMANTIC NOVELISTS ALL TRUST

CAROLEE CROFT’S INADEQUATE WATER PRESSURE “Well that’s all sorted out, luv…or may I call you Carolee? I can, cheers for that luv…Carolee, that is. Anyhow, before explaining to you the exact cause and subsequent resolution of your plumbing issues, I would point out that what with all this humidity here in Sao Paulo I have … More JONNY CATAPULT – THE PLUMBER THE ROMANTIC NOVELISTS ALL TRUST

I NAME HER DELILAH

(18 hours of my life) She, the one upon whose bare bottom I have nibbled upon each new morn since the beginning of time, my superlative lover, my delicious muse, my idolized wife has betrayed me. Henceforth and forthwith let her be known as Delilah.  How so, this turning of the worm? A full pentagram … More I NAME HER DELILAH

‘MY LOVE’S LIKE A…RED, RED NOSE’ AS RABBIE BURNS SUFFERS FROM ‘POETS BLOCK’

The year is 1794 and money worries have forced the young Rabbie Burns to take up work as a labourer at a farm near Mauchline in East Ayrshire, Scotland. Good fortune has smiled though for it is on this farm the he meets his first true love, young Nelly Kilpatrick.  As the pair wander together … More ‘MY LOVE’S LIKE A…RED, RED NOSE’ AS RABBIE BURNS SUFFERS FROM ‘POETS BLOCK’

JONNY CATAPAULT – THE PLUMBER THE ARTISTS ALL TRUST

FREDA KAHLO’S CORRODED PIPES “Well I’ve never seen the like of it Freda girl. I mean to say corrosion being the complex series of reactions between the water and metal pipes in which the water is transported leading to oxidation certainly had discoloured your drinking water to the point it had become toxic – bloody lucky … More JONNY CATAPAULT – THE PLUMBER THE ARTISTS ALL TRUST