An embarrassing tale!
‘An Unusual Take on Life and Social History from the 1950’s Onward‘ In a perfect world I’d have been rich and famous thus deemed worthy of penning the story of my own life. In reality I am a content ‘nowhere man’ with a vast chronicle of all things bonkers to pass on to anyone who … More AN ‘ONLY CHILD’ & HIS MUM’S AMAZING GERM PHOBIA
A GONDOLIER, A STARLIT NIGHT Conjure me a social leperConjure me an ice cold beerConjure me a starlit nightAnd perhaps a romantic gondolier Venice, it was VeniceWhere my sanity was lostFell in love with an actressWith a heart as cold as frost Blanche the name she went bySo sweet when I had moneySo cruel when … More A GONDOLIER; A STARLIT NIGHT
A BUNDLE OF TRUE LOVERS You always walked the high wire, without a safety netyou were both brave and foolish, yet now I’m cursed never to forgetthat day you turned on a sixpence, that awful day you let me straythen stole a pistol from your father’s study and blew your brains away The day they … More A BUNDLE OF TRUE LOVERS
“By sneeze or by God’s grievanceby Adam’s putrid aleor by those recalcitrant whoresI am ruined Can you thenmix me an ointmentfashion me a potionfind me a curecan you?If not then go forthand multiplythe pox is still with mewhat use the charlatan quack? Child, bring me ‘water bright’I thirstBring me ‘water bright’ nowthis instantso I can … More THE RAMBLINGS OF AN OLD DYING KING
As was her want, she patted the host of toothy-grinning, expectant young fillies on the bonce. Ruffling their flowing locks, she smiled, for the time had come for a little divine magic. From just one cotton candy stick and two lollipops, a supernatural phenomenon, as she handed out to each and every one of the … More ‘ANYTHING YOU CAN DO I CAN DO BETTER’
ETCHINGTON’S DEMISE Inspector Lestrade: “Good God Watson, the pair of you took your bloody time getting here. You only live around the sodding corner. What kept you so long?” Dr Watson: “The reason for our ‘brief’ delay I’ll have you know was that Holmes insisted he finish The Times crossword puzzle whilst sat in the … More SHERLOCK HOLMES SUFFERS DETECTIVE’S BLOCK
An extract from the autobiography of the much fabled Twattersley Fromage MBE, TP, UFC, WNKR of the First Order & Jolly Decent Chap My quest a simple yet illustrious one that would herald the dawn of a new heroic age of exploration. At the behest of none other than Her Majesty herself I had willingly … More A WOMAN IN LOVE HAS NO NEED OF A THERMAL VEST
A Photo Salvador Dalí kindly took of Shirley & I at our favourite Parisian Café back in ’24 It is June 1924 in the magical period of the ‘Années folles’. We are in The City of Love. Paris by any other name. Moreover, we are young and devoted to one another. Overnight, spring has turned … More SCOTT FITZGERALD’S PENIS
Always I have hugged trees. Even as a small child I hugged them…all varieties mind…for there is nothing like communing with nature in my book. In point of fact nothing can match the feeling of bare skin on bark…the silver birch especially. My parents thought me most odd. Pater would often say to me, ‘Jessica, … More THE SAD DEMISE OF JESSICA DOWNLOW – THE TREE HUGGING SUICIDAL POET
“Crumbs Juniper there’s a God awful pong about the lounge this morning. I’m guessing you’ve been on the pulses once more, my love?” “Yes Denzel darling I did venture toward the curried red lentil savouries at Marigold’s little soirée in aid of the impoverished harvesters of the organically grown damsons of Cumbria last evening. Rather … More JUNIPER CHERRY-BLOSSOM – THE PULSE EATING VEGAN
