“Pater would you mind terribly grabbing hold of the end of this please?” “First Leonardo pray tell what it is if I may be so bold as to ask?” “Oh this is merely one of my new inventions I’m working on, namely a lightsabre. The reason I ask you to clasp it thus is that … More YOUNG LEONARDO DA VINCI’S LIGHTSABRE
“Ea Bah Gum son just 30 minutes to kick off, you must be getting excited beyond the pale lad. By teatime you’ll be the talk of the town and I’ll be as proud as punch” Those were the words my retired coal miner father, then riddled with black lung disease, spoke to an adolescent … More A YORKSHIRE LAD’S QUEST FOR GLORY
Social climber, Svetlana, would do just about anything to trap a chap, any chap really, who she thought may get ‘ahead’ in life. Re-run of an old caption from a while back…as today is Svetlana Day!
Ring ring…….ring ring……..ring “Hello is there anyone there…hello……….” “Frederick Perkins.” “Is that the actual Frederick Perkins, Velcro Consultant to the Stars?” “Yes, that is I – how can I help you?” “Phew that’s a result – thought I might have got the wrong number. Anyway, Jonathan Crumbly here. I am most interested in conspiracy theories … More FREDERICK PERKINS – ‘VELCRO CONSULTANT TO THE STARS’
The End of the Californian Drought “Oh Pac-A-Mac Man is that your ‘Phallus of Instant Global Weather News’ I hear throbbing?” “Certainly is my trusty little yet ever so loyal companion Galoshes Boy…it is telling me that there is rain falling in parts of Southern California after what has been a 127 year … More PAC A MAC MAN & GALOSHES BOY – SUPERHEROES!
A CASE FOR SHERLOCK HOLMES (even now still suffering from detective’s block) “What a glorious day it is Inspector Lestrade! Why the raincoat and galoshes’ may I ask?” “Because Dr Watson it is blowing a hooley and pissing down something chronic you idiot.” “Oh…um…hadn’t realized, still if the sun were out … More “THE MEAT & TWO VEG MURDER”
Why on Gods earth would you leave me All alone, heart broken in two Leaving no note to explain of your motives Without even saying adieu I mean I gave you all that you asked for The diamonds, the Rolex’s, the yacht The race horse, the mansion in Surrey The muscular valet to fan … More PERHAPS IF I ASK HER NICELY
“I say Carruthers darling you know Adele don’t you?” “A ‘Del’…um…that would be a Derek by any other name wouldn’t it? Don’t think I do as it happens Deidre…I mean I know a Harry, went to school with more than one Brian and then there’s Percy the landlord at the Three Sheep & Covert Periscope…but … More THE LUNACY OF BEING
A CASE FOR SHERLOCK HOLMES (even now still suffering from detective’s block) “Ah Sherlock and Dr Watson sorry to drag you both out on a wretched night like this yet as you can see from the corpse before you there has been another incident…I think we have a serial killer on the loose. The similarities … More “THE COURGETTE KILLER”
“Oh Superman I’m so glad I found you.” “What’s up Lois luv?” “Well the boys on the news desk at the Daily Planet have been getting reports in that a massive asteroid the size of Metropolis itself is heading directly toward the Earth…worse still it’s made of deadly Putinite and as you know Putinite contains … More SUPERMAN’S ENLARGED PROSTATE