JUNIPER CHERRY-BLOSSOM – THE PULSE EATING VEGAN

“Crumbs Juniper there’s a God awful pong about the lounge this morning. I’m guessing you’ve been on the pulses once more, my love?”

“Yes Denzel darling I did venture toward the curried red lentil savouries at Marigold’s little soirée in aid of the impoverished harvesters of the organically grown damsons of Cumbria last evening. Rather overdid it I think.”

“You certainly did my dear for I could cut the atmosphere with a meat cleaver I can tell you. Odd though, for there is no audible evidence of your bottom burps even though you must be slipping them out like moths to a candle flame.”

“I’d rather you didn’t use the word ‘meat’ in my company Denzel for you know how it upsets me.”

“Sorry Juniper it just slipped out…not unlike your little acid rain makers.”

“Well at least I’ll never contract bowel cancer.”

“True enough, although I’ll lay odds you will, and no doubt in the company of others, gas yourself in an elevator having popped a toxic fluffy. Anyway Darling what have we for dinner this evening?”

“Oh I’ll knock up a fusion of haricot, black-eyed and kidney beans…organic of course…with rustic wholemeal bread and a baby leaf spinach salad I think.”

“Really, are you sure? I mean we’ve been living on pulses as a staple diet for so long now I do fancy eating something that doesn’t cause me to blast the old arse trumpet all the time. Indeed I’d go so far to say that a diet high in complex carbs is playing havoc with my a-piece. My boss at the perfumery says he’s losing trade what with my constant fizzlers. I believe my access to gainful employment is under threat you know.”

“Well as a committed vegan there are so few sources of protein containing adequate roughage you must realize. It is a small price to pay for health and the protection of animals. Anyway shall we make love before I set to prepare our meal…you know there is nothing like getting one’s oats to work up a jolly good appetite?”

“Well I’m up for that Juniper but can you promise not to pop a fluffy in my face like last time. I had to gargle with anti-bacterial mouthwash for hours to rid the taste from my tongue you know.”

“You can talk Denzel for your own thunder sprays really are not something to write home about you know. Whatever…meet you in the boudoir in five?”

“Five what? I pray to Mother Earth you do not mean five rectal tremors?”

“Might have done.”

Note from author: I am but a humble vegetarian