farting masks

“Crumbs Juniper there’s a God awful pong about the lounge this morning. I’m guessing you’ve been on the pulses once more, my love?”

“Yes Denzel darling I did venture toward the curried red lentil savouries at Marigold’s little soirée in aid of the impoverished harvesters of the organically grown damsons of Cumbria last evening. Rather overdid it I think.”

“You certainly did my dear for I could cut the atmosphere with a meat cleaver I can tell you. Odd though, for there is no audible evidence of your bottom burps even though you must be slipping them out like moths to a candle flame.”

“I’d rather you didn’t use the word ‘meat’ in my company Denzel for you know how it upsets me.”

“Sorry Juniper it just slipped out…not unlike your little acid rain makers.”

“Well at least I’ll never contract bowel cancer.”

“True enough, although I’ll lay odds you will, and no doubt in the company of others, gas yourself in an elevator having popped a toxic fluffy. Anyway Darling what have we for dinner this evening?”

“Oh I’ll knock up a fusion of haricot, black-eyed and kidney beans…organic of course…with rustic wholemeal bread and a baby leaf spinach salad I think.”

“Really, are you sure? I mean we’ve been living on pulses as a staple diet for so long now I do fancy eating something that doesn’t cause me to blast the old arse trumpet all the time. Indeed I’d go so far to say that a diet high in complex carbs is playing havoc with my a-piece. My boss at the perfumery says he’s losing trade what with my constant fizzlers. I believe my access to gainful employment is under threat you know.”

“Well as a committed vegan there are so few sources of protein containing adequate roughage you must realize. It is a small price to pay for health and the protection of animals. Anyway shall we make love before I set to prepare our meal…you know there is nothing like getting one’s oats to work up a jolly good appetite?”

“Well I’m up for that Juniper but can you promise not to pop a fluffy in my face like last time. I had to gargle with anti-bacterial mouthwash for hours to rid the taste from my tongue you know.”

“You can talk Denzel for your own thunder sprays really are not something to write home about you know. Whatever…meet you in the boudoir in five?”

“Five what? I pray to Mother Earth you do not mean five rectal tremors?”

“Might have done.”

Note from author: I am but a humble vegetarian


    1. You are more than welcome, Ryan. Personally I find the toxic fluffy at the better end of the scale. The almost silent ‘fizz’ by far the worst experience there is.

      1. Now that’s guilding the lily! Since I was a child I’ve thought the combination of the words “wet fart” to be perfectly funny!!!

        But….. Silent fiz… Hahahahahahaha

      2. The ‘almost silent fizz’ is generally caused by scoffing Vindaloo curry, or if one is exceptional brave, the dreaded Phall, the hottest of all by a country mile.

    1. Most decent of you Sir. I have long since denied my dear wife access to anything of an eplosive nature. She lives her days feeding on cream of mushroom soup and cold baths.

  1. Lol! The word play is fantastic. I’m an almost-vegan these days. I can’t have dairy anymore, and eating vegan makes it easy to avoid dairy products. The vegan cheese is awful, and I can barely tolerate tofu. Everything else is good. I sure miss cheese.

    1. Can you get Japanese Tofu. It is solid thus has a bite and there are so many ways to cook with it. As a connoisseur of French cheeses I don’t know how I’d manage if I had to give it up.

      1. I’ll have to see if I can find Japanese tofu. I didn’t know there was a different type! As for cheese, I’ve had very interesting dreams about it since I’ve given it up.

  2. This one made me giggle, Mike. My husband and I are on a very restrictive diet right now, a paleo diet, though, so beans aren’t allowed. No toxic fluffies for us. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.