PC ROBERT BOBBY aka ‘BOBBY BOB BOB’ THE CLUMSY COPPER & THE CASE OF THE TOE STUCK IN THE BATH TAP!

PC ROBERT BOBBY aka ‘BOBBY BOB BOB’ THE CLUMSY COPPER & THE CASE OF THE TOE STUCK IN THE BATH TAP!

‘I’M GOING TO TASER YOU TODAY BECAUSE YOU’RE FUCKING CRIMINAL AND I WANT TO WATCH YOU WRITH……I’M GO TASER YOU TODAY BECAUSE………….’

“That’ll be me ringtone then wonder what this is all about?  ‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello.”

“Bobby we’ve just had a 999 call from a woman who says she – even as we speak – is drowning in her own bathtub. Best you get round there ASAP. Her name is Foxy Persona and she lives in the flat above the chip shop on the High Street. It sounds like you’ll have to break in mate.”

“I’m on the case Sarg. Leave it to me.”

BANG, CRASH, …. “Oh my fucking shoulder” ……..WALLOP, CRASH….. “Bollocks”…THUD

“Right, bit of a mess but that was a successful forced entry in my book. Best find the bathroom.”

“Cooey, cooey is that the uniformed member of the constabulary I requested? I’m up the stairs at the very top in the bathroom – first door on the right, come quickly.”

“I’m on me way luv don’t panic.”

‘BOBBY BOB BOB’ ENTERS THE BATHROOM TO FIND FOXY QUITE RELAXED IN HER BUBBLE BATH SAVE FOR THE FACT HER TOE IS STUCK IN THE BATH TAP

“Oh thank God you’re here officer and what a handsome, muscular brute of a chap you are attired in that uniform….oh that uniform that signals power and dominance in the protection of a weak and feeble woman such as I.”

“Fuck me luv you’ve only got your toe stuck in the tap – that my dear is a job for the Fire Brigade not the Police. In my book you’ve made an irresponsible 999 call and I could nick you for wasting police time. What have you got to say for yourself?”

“Have you handcuffs – if you arrest me will you ‘cuff’ me naked and vulnerable as I am and drag me off to the station with you……oh bless I’m going all of a quiver.”

“That’s quite enough of that luv – and by the way your foam bubbles are dissipating at a rate of knots young lady. For the sake of your modesty I think they need something of a top up. They certainly won’t last until the Fire Brigade arrive.”

“Oh officer how prone and deliciously assailable I do feel……..I am just grateful to have a man in uniform as my white knight. By the way the bath bubbles are in the cabinet just above my head you’ll have to lean over me to reach – and no peeking you naughty man.”

“Right I’ll just slurp a good measure of bubbles in the tub and you can swish them around by hand.”

“Officer I feel far too weak to do that……it would be adorable of you to stick your hand in and swish for as long as you like.”

“I think that would be inappropriate. Do you have a whisk?”

“There is one in the kitchen if you must lather me up that way.”

BOBBY GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND RETURNS WITH THE WHISK

“Right I note that this is an electric whisk and that there is a socket on the skirting board just outside the bathroom. I shall plug it in there………..right job done…..now if you will sit up – I’ll keep my eyes shut of course – and I can give your bath water a jolly good whisking.”

“What a gentleman you are. You know there really is no need to shut your eyes though. I’m sure you are a man of the world.”

“Manners luv – damsel in distress and all that. Anyway here we go……oh heck the bathroom mat what my foot was on has just slipped and the electric whisk has dropped into the bath and in a snap, crackle and pop she’s been electrocuted! Fuck it. I’ll leave her for the Fire Brigade – probably mark this one down as a suicide.”