GOD GRASSES UP CAIN TO THE OLD BILL!

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Jerusalem, Pre 2nd millennium BC: With the tourist season now well and truly over and the winter months just around the corner Cain has quit busking outside of the Tower of Babylon to take up a labouring job in Jerusalem working on the construction of an underpass that will form part of the new ring road when completed.  Cain, his hard hat and high visibility jacket masking the dreadlocks and his penchant for Aussie beach jewellery and tie-dye misses the comfort of Tracey, the Whore of Babylon so very much, yet as God had said after he had inadvertently murdered Abel, he was destined to walk this Earth alone for the rest of his days. It’s a bummer yet there is nothing the poor chap can do about it. We find Cain, shovel in hand, digging a bloody great hole with the other guys in the gang.  Whilst filling up a giant skip with tons of earth Cain has got all the lads singing along to Kris Kristofferson’s, ‘Me & Bobby McGee.’ The mood about the place is good – that is until, quite out of the blue the Jerusalem Constabulary turn up unannounced and on mass!

DI Cohen: “Who’s the foreman here?”

Eric the Egyptian: “Me mate, what’s all the fuss about?”

DI Cohen: “You got a bloke called Cain working here?”

Eric the Egyptian: “Yes Guvnor that’s him over there digging a hole – he’s the one conducting the other lads in joyous song.”

DI Cohen: “Cheers mate.” Turning to the other officers in attendance, “Right nick the bastard.”

With that 10 armed members of the force rush over to Cain and without so much as a by your leave pin him to the ground, cuff him and put a couple of quick kicks to the groin in for good measure. We re-join Cain in the interview room at Jerusalem nick.

Cain: “What’s all this about then, I ain’t done nothing? Honest.”

DI Cohen: “Don’t give me that sunshine; you’re up for murder matey boy – and you bloody well know it.  Right let’s get this bit over. WPC Fuchs put the recorder on. Cain you are charged with the murder of your brother Abel, anything you say may be taken down and used in evidence against you. You old son are banged to rights so don’t give me a load of old flannel.”

Cain: “I want a brief.”

DI Cohen: “Fuck off.”

WPC Fuchs: “Would anyone like some freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants?”

DI Cohen: “Fuck off.”

Cain: “What proof have you got I did it?”

DI Cohen: “Best proof there is.”

Cain: “Bollocks you have. You got a witness then?”

DI Cohen: “Yes mate as it happens we’ve got a written statement from none other than God himself. He saw you commit the evil deed.”

Cain: “Stuff me. I want to see the statement.”

With that DI Cohen orders WPC Fuchs to get a few Ethiopian slaves to wheel in a giant stone tablet upon which God has made his detailed statement of events.

 DI Cohen: “Word of God mate – you’ll swing for this. Thinking about it you’ll more likely get stoned.”

Cain: “The bastard’s grassed me up.”

DI Cohen: “Right I’ll read it aloud shall I. ‘I God did witness Cain, son of Adam & Eve murder his brother Abel in cold blood close by to the banks of the River Gihon just outside of Eden, not long after the beginning of time. The chosen mode of despatch was by lamping Abel several times about his person in a manner that was clearly premeditated as I heard Cain tell Abel “Right that’s it – I’ve had enough.  Say that again and I’ll lamp you one.” This was shortly after Abel had told Cain “Go stuff yourself with a plantain.” What do you say to that?”

Cain: “Bollocks, yes I did it. How did you find me, I move about a lot? Bet it was that sodding Facebook. I’m always on me IPad – global satellite tracking I suppose?”

DI Cohen: “I think you’ve overlooked the fact that the witness in this case is omnipotent my friend. He led us straight to you.”

Accepting his fate Cain of his own free will signs a statement confirming his guilt. Still clad in his hard hat and high visibility jacket we now find Cain alone in dank dark cell with just a thin layer of straw as a bed. Duty Officer Simon Blatt takes a call on his IPhone.  The caller is God who advises Blatt to hand the phone over to Cain or He will smite him.  Blatt duly co-operates and passes said blower through the bars.

God: “That got you good and proper then. Serve you right. Didn’t I say ‘wander’ the Earth; don’t recall saying hang around for months on end with Tracey the Whore of Babylon having a right good time of it did I?”

Cain: “Leave it out God. Man you’re taking the piss aren’t you? Trace and me were a bit of an item. Nothing wrong with that in my book.”

God: “Look mate you’re incorrigible. I’ve even seen you coveting that girl Fuchs since you’ve been banged up here.”

Cain: “Does she?”

God: “She’s a happily married woman so keep your dirty thoughts to yourself. Any way where was I? Oh yes, I did think twice about calling the rozzers in but, hey, you’ve defied the word of God and I can’t have that can I? Anyway I’m off now got a global flood to plan and all that. See you; wouldn’t want to be you!”

All is silent for a while until, just before dawn’s first light Duty Officer Blatt opens the cell door and announces, “I’ve got someone here to see you – just 10 minutes mind.” Enter Tracey the Whore of Babylon!

Tracey: “How you bearing up. I got the news off Facebook and made it over here quick as I could. Bummer or what.”

Cain: “Too true girl. Haven’t a clue how I’m going to get off this rap. How are you girl?”

Tracey: “I’m just fine Cain. You look a bit the worse for wear though. Need a cuddle?” Cain nods an affirmative. “OK then Cain – you don’t mind a standing up cuddle though do you? The thing is I’ve been on me back most of the night what with the boys on the camel train who brought me here and all that. Sure it’s OK?”  Cain, with a little difficulty gets to his feet, “No problem Babe.”

 

THIS POST IS PART 2 OF THE STORY OF CAIN. IF ANY ONE GOT THIS FAR AND IS INTERESTED THEN PART 1 ‘IF ONLY GOD WASN’T ALLERGIC TO KIWI FRUIT’ CAN BE FOUND AT;

https://mikesteeden.wordpress.com/2013/11/28/if-only-god-wasnt-allergic-to-kiwi-fruit/

 

 

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20 thoughts on “GOD GRASSES UP CAIN TO THE OLD BILL!

  1. Definitely worth a re-run, Mike – most entertaining! Cast to die for, lots of Biblical wrath, smiting, stoning and pre-begetting – what’s not to like? Oy vey!

    1. A long, long time ago I was constantly stoned……although gave all that up when my first child was on the way and thought it best if I joined the land of the responsible normal folk. Thing is, as Shirley often tells me she thinks I did my brain in back then!

      1. I’d always hoped for flashbacks yet thus far not one! Coming from a long line of males who can only take things literally in the first instance is both a curse and my best source of humour (in my case retrospective when the nuances of what I had misunderstood have been explained to me)!

      2. Castiel is an angel in Supernatural… Slightly dense but very endearing 🙂 very popular in fandom

      3. Odd that – I got confused in the attic just now seeking out a particular box whereupon. Lost in thought the lovely Shirley asked me what was wrong….I advised her a depression was about me as I couldn’t find the thing I sought. At this she advised that, ‘There’s something wrong in your head but I still love you.’ ‘Dense but endearing’ does fine by me…..thank you.

      4. Well both the characters are scary smart and not human so they’re slightly befuddled by human trivia on% many occasions…. Yet I love them more than the normal … 😉

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