nude leggings

Ticket Seller: “Can I interest you in a raffle ticket Sir…it’s for a good cause?”

Random Punter 1: “No, piss off.”

Ticket Seller: “Madam…a raffle ticket…only 50 pence a go and you might be a winner…there’s only one prize yet it is unique I promise.”

Random Punter 2: “Sorry son charity begins at home…besides I’m brassic.”

Ticket Seller: “Madam…please don’t walk away…I mean if you are, as they say down the Mile End Road ‘boracic lint’ then by entering this raffle your fortunes just might change for the better.”

Random Punter 2: “Sod off you’re getting on me tits now.”

Ticket Seller: “Young lady…would you like to take part in my raffle…it is for a charity…and you do look a generous sort.”

Nude Leggings Woman: “That’s what all the boys say…hope that wasn’t a chat up line only it won’t wash if it was…anyway what’s the charity then?”

Ticket Seller: “National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Me…NCPCM by any other name… I mean even now as we speak there’s any number of people out there who not only wish me harm but are planning to do me actual bodily harm…can you believe it young lady…can you?”

Nude Leggings Woman: “As it happens yes I can what with you being a bit of an annoying twat…whatever what’s the prize then in this here raffle of yours?”

Ticket Seller: “Oh young lady…or may I call you Alison…yes you look like my Alison…the Alison who left me for another.”

Nude Leggings Woman: “Well considering my name isn’t Alison no you can’t call me that…you say she left you for another…another what?”

Ticket Seller: “Oh, another lifeguard at the local bowls club where I worked…my boss as it happens…the bastard…….when I told him he was right out of order nicking my girl he beat the living shit out me…left me a quivering wreck of a man…the bowling green was blood soaked after the beating I took…he sacked me as well.”

Nude Leggings Woman: “That was tough luck, still worse things happen at sea.”

Ticket Seller: “Don’t I know it…nearly drowned when I was little when my mother threw me off a cliff.  Apparently she told the Judge I was a fucking irritating nuisance and he let her off with a bit of community service after having specialists confirm that they agreed I was…anyway unconscious from the battering my body took on the rocks below the tide came in and washed me away. A Russian naval submarine crew rescued me…a sailor gave me the kiss of life…and yet chucked me back in the sea immediately thereafter because, the one who could speak English said ‘What a fucking irritation you are kid’…how could he come to take such a view after just five minutes…where’s the fairness in that I say.”

Nude Leggings Woman: “Christ you do rabbit on…look back to the prize…what pray is the fucking prize?”

Ticket Seller: “Oh right the prize…well the prize is a magic mirror.”

Nude Leggings Woman: “A what?”

Ticket Seller: “A magic mirror…it really is magic! Bit like that one out of the Snow White story…you know you can ask it questions and it answers back…you’ll never need to Google anything ever again.

Nude Leggings Woman: “Crikey that sounds good…so I can ask it if my bum looks good in these nude leggings what I have on and it’ll tell me the truth?”

Ticket Seller: “Well yes…but then again I could answer that one for you.”

Nude Leggings Woman: “Don’t you dare – cheeky sod!”

Ticket Seller: “So you buying then?” 

Nude Leggings Woman: “OK then I’ll buy one…how many tickets have you sold, how much are they and when is the draw?”

Ticket Seller: “Haven’t sold any tickets at all…been trying for three months…not a single sausage.  The tickets come in at 50pence a go and the draw…as you will note from the words written on said ticket is at noon today.”

Nude Leggings Woman: “Crikey its 11.55am…you’ll be making the draw any minute…here’s 50 pence…I’m a certain winner methinks.”

Ticket Seller: “There young lady the town clock has, as I’m sure you noticed, just struck midday….I bet you’re getting all tensed up with excitement hoping you’ve won…and, excuse me Sir would you put your hand in this bag and kindly make a raffle draw for me?…there, see young lady you are the winner of a magic mirror.” 

Nude Leggings Woman: “Right then…I ask my magic mirror a question here and now.”

Ticket Seller: “Go for it girl.”

Nude Leggings Woman: “Mirror, mirror in my hand does my bum look big in these nude leggings what I have on?”

Magic Mirror: “Fucked if I know luv…I mean I’ve only had a few previous owners and the only bird was that Queen Victoria bint.  On balance I’d say your arse is…are you sure those are leggings?…looks like a bare bum to me…anyway I’m guessing mind…a tad, just a tad smaller than hers.”

Nude Leggings Woman: “A tad…she was built like a brick shit house and you say a ‘tad’…that’s right out of order.”

Magic Mirror: “Look luv what do I know…I just call it as I see it. I mean if you wanted me to provide a full treatise for you on the pharmaceutical basis of therapeutics well that’s an entirely different issue. I could wax lyrical about that…all day long in point of fact.”

Nude Leggings Woman: “What….the what of what? I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Right then another try.  Magic mirror in my hand would you say I had the bum of an angel or that of a Sumo wrestler?”

Magic Mirror: “Ah now I was previously owned by a Sumo wrestler as it happens. Um…give us a twirl luv…um…a Sumo wrestler only a bit bigger.”

Nude Leggings Woman: “That’s it I’m binning this bloody magic mirror…it doesn’t have a blind clue what its talking about.  I mean everyone knows I’ve got a gorgeous bum.”

Ticket Seller: “Wouldn’t bin it – I mean if you do and it breaks you’ll have seven years bad luck…true that is.”

Nude Leggings Woman: “What, I’m stuck with it then?”

Ticket Seller: “That’s about the strength of it.  Give it another go…go on.”

Nude Leggings Woman: “Last try then.  Magic mirror in my hand have I the loveliest bum in this land?”

Magic Mirror: “Fuck me how should I know but if it keeps you happy ‘yes’ you do have the loveliest bum in this land.  There, satisfied?”

Nude Leggings Woman: “Oh I am rather taking to this magic mirror now you know.”

Ticket Seller: “So you’re chuffed with your win then?”

Nude Leggings Woman: “Reckon I am…I’m going to ask it what it makes of me cleavage once I get back indoors.”

Ticket Seller: “Rather you than me.”


25 thoughts on “THE MAGIC MIRROR

    1. I really do hope that this fashion for ‘nude leggings’ has not arrived in your neck of the woods. My father, back in the sixties used to complain about young ladies in mini skirts – Lord only knows what he’d make of these!

    1. Young Marissa maybe this appalling fashion has not taken on in the US yet here it sadly has. Oddly – not that these legging things suit any person at all – it seems to be the ‘larger ladies’ who choose to wear them!

  1. I’ll be shuddering until Thursday because of that photo.

    As for the Lotto, I never figured that out. The same ninny who buys a ticket when the odds are 10 million to 1 will fail to pack an umbrella when there is a 60% chance of rain. If nothing else, it speaks to optimism.

      1. On a different subject can you test something for me? I am curious to know if you can get BBC’s iPlayer in the States.
        That link is re Russia and to an Englishman, and probably more so to one in The States it really gives an insight and a taste of how lovely Russia and its people really are! It is not that long a documentary and you may find it interesting.

      2. 😦 No, it says “BBC iPlayer TV programmes are available to play in the UK only. Find out why. If you are in the UK and see this message please read this advice.”

      3. I thought that might happen – we cannot pick up the BBC even just across the Channel in France – oh how I want to be in France right now – which is a shame. I’d like to find a link for this elsewhere and will have a good look as I would love to here your take on a true picture of Russia the likes of which we – and I suspect Americans also – rarely see! I will try and get back to on this.

      4. I would love to see it when you do. Frankly, I’d love to visit Russia and even learn the language. Perhaps when I come see you,we shall all take a really long road trip? 😉

      5. I’m told Russian is hellish difficult to learn – I can do the ‘accent’ though! Tell you what France will blow your mind – history, culture, scenery, architecture etc. We’ve got a big thunder storm kicking off here presently – lights are flickering!

      6. Oh wow! Yeah, I can’t wait to see France AND England! Though I was just speaking with a man at my house a couple of weeks ago who goes to Italy once a year and he told me there that there are gypsies who steal from him every time he goes! 😦

      7. Yeah, I kind of thought gypsies went out in the 60s. So when he told me these stories, I thought he might be a little off his trolley. But it was a funny story. He also visits Amsterdam regularly – with his wife! – if that tells you anything. LOL!

      8. LOL! Well, he’s a former pastor-turned-attorney. And he tells me that attorneys are more regarded in other countries than they are here. So if that’s true there, you might not realize how much people hate attorneys here.

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